Gov Blagojevich Announces eBay Auction Winner

Governor Rod R. Blagojevich of Illinois said Thursday that he will appoint Roland W. Burris, who was the winning bidder on the governor's eBay auction to fill President-elect Barack Obama's U.S. Senate seat.

The defiant Blagojevich, who is facing impeachment proceedings in the Illinois House as well as federal corruption charges has denied all wrongdoing. "As governor I am required to make this appointment," a self-assured Blagojevich said. "If I don't make this appointment, then I'd have to give back my eBay auction proceeds."

The Senate Democrats released a letter reiterating their view that Mr. Blagojevich "is a special kind of stupid" if he believes that any appointment that he makes will be accepted by the Democratic Caucus.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, said, "There is no f---ing way that is going to happen!"

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GOP Divided Over "Barack the Magic Negro"

The Republican Party reaction is divided over the decision of a candidate for the party chairman to distribute a CD that features a racially insensitive tune.  

The majority of Chip Saltsman's political rivals are criticizing the timing of the discs release.  "I am shocked and appalled that Saltsman would use such shameless self-promotion to try to win the GOP chaimanship," said current Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan. "

"I know I laughed until I cried and peed a little bit when I first heard this on Rush," said Michigan GOP chairman Saul Anuzis. "But, still. Anything that paints the GOP as being motivated purely by racism in our criticism of President-elect Obama does a disservice to our party. We're also motivated by the fact that he's a gay-loving, socialist baby-killer."

Republican Party of Florida Chairman Jim Greer - who has also been weighing a run for the party's top spot - released a statement praising Saltsman's critics. "As the GOP Chairman in one of our most ethnically-diverse states, I know how important it is to be as inclusive as possible. A lot of attention has been paid to the 'Barack the Magic Negro' song, but it's important to note that the CD also contained songs offensive to hispanics and the poor. "

"I think most people understand overt racism as a legitimate form of humor," said Saltsman.  "I think most RNC members understand that racially insensitive humor is just good fun."

But some younger members of the party were less understanding. James Richardson, the RNC's online communication manager for the 2008 election cycle, called Saltsman's move "quite the revealing faux pas."

"Did I just speak French? Dammit! Now I'll never be able to get another job in the GOP," added Richardson.

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Utility Estimates "A Whole Shitload" of Ash Spilled

A burst dike at a coal-fired power plant in eastern Tennessee spilled "a whole shitload" of ash - more than originally estimated - officials said Friday.  The Tennessee Valley Authority had first estimated that barely a buttload of ash had spilled in the breach.

TVA spokesman, Richard Head, could not explain the discrepancy. "At this point, we believe that the initial estimate may have been just a wild-ass guess."

One local resident whose land is covered in 10 feet of ash and debris said he is not drinking the local water and is keeping his children inside until he can send them to a relative's house, "because I don't feel comfortable with them around here."

"I don't know what people are getting so pissy about. We're cleaning it up," said Head. "We have almost a hundred workers cleaning up the mess. Also, people should take comfort in knowing that President Bush has ordered the EPA to find that the spill does not pose a health threat to either the local residents or those living downstream."

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RNC Chairman Defends Racism

A candidate for the Republican National Committee chairmanship said Friday the CD he sent to RNC members as a Christmas gift - which included a song titled "Barack the Magic Negro" - was clearly intended as racism.

"I think most people recognize racism when they see it," Tennessee Republican Chip Saltsman said.  "I think RNC members understand that."

The song, set to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon," was first played on racist commentator Rush Limbaugh's radio show in 2007.  Saltsman said the song, penned by his longtime friend Paul Shanklin, should easily be recognized as racism directed at Obama.

Saltsman said, "I think it's important for the chairman of the RNC to fully reflect the core beliefs of the party. This CD proves, beyond a doubt, that I can be as racist and insensitive as anyone in the GOP - except maybe Trent Lott."

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Brazil to get Nuclear Snob Technology from France

The presidents of France and Brazil are set to sign several bilateral agreements, including one that would make Brazil the first Latin American nation to acquire France's nuclear-powered snob technology.

Brazil and Argentina are the only Latin American countries with significant nuclear capabilities, however, in offering this technology, France appears to be expressing confidence in Brazil's potential for snobbery. Previously, France had only offered its snob technology to the Canadian province of Quebec.

France has led the world in snobbery since developing snob technology powered by nuclear energy in the 1950s.

Under the accords to be signed by the two presidents, France would also provide Brazil with haughty attitudes and rudeness monitoring technology.

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More Holder/Blagojevich Associations Uncovered

Attorney General-designate Eric Holder, in written responses to the Senate Judiciary Committee, did not include information about a close association with the tainted Governor Illinois Rod Blagojevich.

In the wake of gay sex scandals involving Senator Larry Craig and Ted Haggard, the Judiciary Committee added questions regarding instance in which other men may have had an opportunity to see the nominee's penis.

Confidential witnesses to the committee have submitted evidence that Eric Holder and Gov. Blagojevich have occasionally shared adjacent urinals.

"Eric Holder has used the restroom hundreds of times," Obama transition spokeswoman Stephanie Cutter said in a statement. "He did his best to report them all to the comittee, but as he noted in the questionnaire itself, some were undoubtedly missed in the effort to reconstruct a list of them."

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Duggars Awaken to Discover 18th Child

Michelle Duggar has, apparently, given birth to her 18th child.

The Arkansas supermom delivered the baby girl, apparently, in her sleep.  The baby, named something starting with "J", weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces and was 20 inches long.

Jim Bob Duggar said Michelle had been having contractions Wednesday night. "We didn't think much of it. After all, Michelle's been having contractions for, what, like 20 years now," he said. "She's the ultimate Christmas gift from God. But, still, it's a little disconcerting to wake up to find a new baby in your bed."

The Duggar's have been married for 24 years, but didn't get started bearing children until 20 years ago. They now have 18 children (of which two sets are twins) spanning the ages of 20 years to 1 day. This mean that, since they decided to start spreading their genes, Michelle has been pregnant 3 times more than she has not been pregnant.

The Duggars are followers of the evangelical Christian movement called Quiverful, which teaches that children are God's blessing and that husbands and wives should happily welcome every child they are given. After 18 children, the depth of their devotion is as evident as their insanity.

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Police Accused of Breaking Pervs Wanking Arm

A jury heard opening statements in a lawsuit by a man who says San Francisco police broke his wanking arm while he was trying to enjoy a pornographic movie in the comfort of his own home.

The unusual case began when Richard Johnson was chugging 40-ounce beers while watching "Skanky Ho #87" with the volume turned up to eleven, according to witness testimony.

Police were initially called by Johnson's wife, Mildred, who asked "can you send someone to stop my husband? I just can't stand it anymore," according to 911 tapes.

San Francisco police mounted a massive response with some 69 officers responding to the 911 call.

The first officers to arrive at the Johnson home encountered Mr. Johnson lying naked on his couch watching the movie. As more officers arrived and blocked Mr. Johnson's view of the television, he became irate, screaming "It's my movie! Mine! Go get you're own f---ing porn!" according to arresting officer Rod Peters.

Officer Peters said, "Suddenly there was this naked man screaming and flailing about. I though he might attack me, try to hurt me. So I yelled 'Take him down now!' Somewhere along the way, his arm was, unfortunately, broken." 

Mr. Johnson said he felt his world was coming apart when the officers moved to arrest him. "I felt that all of a sudden the world turned around, there was a revolution," Johnson said. "There was a police state where you couldn't even watch your own porn."

"He was upset," said Johnson's attorney, Harry Wang, outside the court. "But however he acted, that doesn't give them the right to break his arm. He's not an ambi-wanker; he may never be able to pleasure himself again."

Johnson is suing the San Francisco police for $50,000 for excessive force and $250,000 for loss of the use of his wanking arm.

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CA GOP Calls for Education Cuts to Make People Stupid

Buoyed by Proposition 8 result that was strongly supported by the least educated Californians and opposed by the most educated, Republican state lawmakers unveiled a set of proposals today that would cut deeply into education spending.

The plan is the Republican's first comprehensive proposal since Governor Arnold Schwarznegger called a special legislative session to try to solve the state's Republican voter registration deficit.

The GOP plan to cut $15.6 billion in education spending would go far beyond the proposals from the Governor.  The largest chunk, nearly $10 billion, would come out of K-12 education, thus ensuring decades of stupidity in the state. "Clearly we're also going to have to decimate higher education to have an immediate impact, but this will ensure that we have a state full of morons for to foreseeable future," said Senate Minority Leader Dave Cogdill, R-Modesto.

Even if the plan is adopted in whole, the state would likely face declining Republican voter registration for years to come.

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Wrath of God Blamed for Fire at Palin's Church

Gov. Sarah Palin's home church was badly damaged by the wrath of God, leading the governor to apologize if the fire was connected to "undeserved negative attention" from her failed vice presidential campaign.

Damage to the Wasilla Bible Church was estimated at $1 million.  Only a handful of people were inside at the time of the smiting, but everyone escaped without injury.

Members of the Wasilla Bible Church gathered in prayer Saturday to understand God's will in damaging the church. "It's hard to say at this point. Everything is just speculation," said one worshiper, who asked not to be named out of fear of divine retribution. "We have no information on God's intent or motive."

Authorities could only speculate as to the cause of the fire. "It might have been lightning bolts, but we're not sure," said a Central Mat-su Fire District spokesperson. "So far, we have only been able to rule out some of the most common plagues like locust, blood and frogs."

Palin spokesman, Bill McAllister, said in a statement that Palin had told an assistant pastor she was sorry if the smiting was in any way connected with her very un-christian vice presidential campaign of divisiveness, lies and racism.

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Aniston on Tour to Promote Privacy

If it were up to Jennifer Aniston, the gossip-worthy details of her private life would never make it to print. In an interview promoting her new film "Marley & Me", the actress voiced her growing frustration with the public's interest in all things Aniston.

"I think it's ridiculous," she said. "There's just this insatiable need... I mean, I'm out here promoting my new blockbuster movie with Owen Wilson and I have a nude photo spread in next month's GQ magazine and I'm pretty sure I just called Angelina Jolie a dog in USA Today. I am honestly getting sick of it, and I feel like telling people, 'You know what? It's none of your f---ing business.' Seriously, it's enough."

As for Jolie's past remarks about falling for Brad Pitt on the set of "Mr. & Mrs. Smith", Aniston says, "Considering the source, nothing surprises me."

When asked if he had heard Aniston's recent comments, Pitt said, "No, but I saw that GQ spread. I know I dumped her, but she is really hot. Hey, wait a minute. That's my... Ang gave me that tie!"

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Conservatives Set 'Day Without a GOP'

Since U.S. voters elected Barack Obama last month while also sending dozens of conservative congressmen and senators packing, conservative leaders have appeared on Fox News, raved about Sarah Palin and ranted on talk radio.

On Wednesday, they were asked to do something different: nothing at all.

Modeled loosely after the 2006 immigration rights demonstrations that the GOP widely ridiculed at the time, "Day Without a GOP" was scheduled for Wednesday and billed as "a chance for those Obama-loving socialists to realize who really runs this country."

Organizers said that they didn't expect all of the McCain/Palin supporters to "call in conservative", but they were hoping for a better response.

Earlier, several evangelical conservatives had said that they had planned to take the day off "if it is God's will."

 

"It's organic, it's visceral, it's grass roots and net roots," said Sean Hannity, of Fox News. "People are reacting in a very natural way to having their hard-earned money taken away by a socialist president."

Some conservatives expressed their confusion about what it meant to be part of the GOP. Roger Davies of Atlanta, Georgia said, "Being a Republican used to mean less government, lower taxes and staying the hell out of people's lives. Now it means big government, irresponsible wars, huge debts, rampant environmental destruction, dictation of morality, and, apparently, hot gay sex. Lots of hot gay sex."

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Shortage of Blue Toilet Stuff Threatens Flights

The federal government is warning airlines that flights could face disruptions this winter because of a shortage of the blue chemical used in airplane toilets.

The shortage arose after New York City officials were forced to deploy thousands of portable toilets to Wall Street when the markets went down the crapper.

So far airlines have been able to maintain their flight schedules by encouraging travelers to use the restroom before boarding the plane and by adopting a policy of "if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down," said a spokesman for the Federal Aviation Administration.

Several airlines have begun to experiment with the use of pay toilets to mixed results. "That seven bucks they charge me for a beer ought to pay for me taking a leak, too," said business traveler Ben Whitacker.

In light of the shortages, the FAA rushed the approval of toilet chemicals manufactured by three different companies. "The airlines have a number of options to make up the difference," said John Bidet, FAA's director of Toilet Safety and Standards.

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NBC Moves Leno to Keep Audience

Jay Leno, the King of Late Night, will be moving to 10 p.m. NBC officials announced Tuesday.

The news that Leno's talk/variety show would be airing at 10 p.m. Eastern Time - offering his rapidly aging audience a chance to catch his monologue before falling asleep with the television on - caught viewers and television executives by surprise. 

"I think most people expected Jay to retire and fade into obscurity," said Dave Letterman, whose Late Show with David Letterman competes directly with The Tonight Show, but has the benefit of attracting a younger, hipper audience that likes to stay up past midnight.

But it raised more questions than it answered. Among them: will anyone watch Conan O'Brien when he takes over the Tonight Show from Jay? Is NBC shifting to an talk show/reality TV format? Is scripted television dead?

NBC seems to have put the last question to rest by estimating that the new Jay Leno show will only cost $2 million per week compared to $15 million per week for the dramas that will be replaced.

In establishing Leno's new show, NBC will be able to lock up the much sought-after "blue-hair demographic."

Asked whether CBS would be altering their lineup to counter the NBC move, CBS spokesman Art Manning said, "We have a full complement of CSI shows that are performing quite well, and, frankly, don't require much writing or production. So, if Jay wants to take on David Caruso's Horation Caine, I say, 'Try.' "  

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Opa-Locka "Decorum Rule" to be Tested

At their last meeting, Opa-locka, Florida commissioners approved a decorum resolution defining appropriate behavior at city meetings. The rule faces its first test at this Wednesday's commission meeting.

Opa-locka has a long-standing decorum rule to deal with how residents must behave when addressing the commissioners. For instance, when attempting to bribe a commissioner, residents are required to address the commissioner as 'sir' or 'madam' and are required to say 'please.' The decorum rule also prohibits residents from blackmailing a commissioner more than once with the same photograph of the commissioner with a prostitute.

Commissioner Esther Williams, sponsor of the decorum ordinance, said she was concerned about the lack of propriety on the commission. Williams said, "Just last Thursday, I was called a 'skank' by that rat bastard." Williams refused to identify to which 'rat bastard' she was referring. "He knows who he is," she said. 

Among other things, the decorum ordinance will prohibit the use of the words 'skank', 'ho', 'f---er' and 'bitch' during the commission meetings. Also prohibited are such behaviors as making disparaging comments about a fellow commissioner to the press, or urinating in a fellow commissioner's gas tank or the office coffee pot.

The commission acknowledged that they forgot to dictate penalties in the ordinance and expect to correct the oversight in an upcoming meeting. 

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Aircraft Deployed to Protect US Northern Border

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials have deployed Predator B aircraft to the U.S. northern border to provide early warning against a feared invasion of Canadians.

The drone is scheduled to begin patrolling the northern U.S. border in January. Its flights will originate from the Grand Forks base.

"It is vital to America's security that we protect our borders, particularly the northern border," said Senator Kent Conrad, D-N.D. "The Grand Forks Air Branch plays an essential role in helping shut the door on Canadians who want to sneak across the border to strike on U.S. soil."

Conrad said the state's congressional delegation has been working for four years to establish patrols along the Canadian border. "Although the threat from the Canadian menace has been growing ever since the National Hockey League established the Boston Bruins in 1926," added Conrad.

Fearful that their attempts to dominate American culture would be thwarted by the regional popularity of hockey, Canadians were reportedly sent to infiltrate American popular culture. Some prominent celebrities suspected of being Canadians include William Shatner, Jim Carrey, Keanu Reeves, Pamela Anderson, Shania Twain, Mike Myers, Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette and Celine Dion.  Some are also known to speak French.

Fears over a Canadian invasion have grown throughout the Bush presidency. With the inauguration of Barack Obama only weeks away, the Bush administration is taking no chances with the Canadian menace.

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Bush Prepares for His Greatest Challenge

As the days dwindle until President Bush joins what Herbert Hoover called the "most exclusive trade union in the world," the unpopular commander in chief appears decidedly enthusiastic about leaving the political limelight.

Early ex-presidents quickly descended into obscurity, but modern ex-presidents commonly embark on a high-profile, and potentially very lucrative, consulting and speaking careers.  While this can be a difficult job for any ex-president, historians and political observers say that it will be especially difficult for Bush. He not only must oversee the construction of a presidential library and write his memoirs, but he must also attempt to salvage his legacy.

Bush was forced to struggle with how to define his legacy in favorable terms even before his presidency began.  However, Bush quickly swept aside lingering concerns about having been wrongly declared the winner of the 2000 election by embarking on a series of shockingly destructive initiatives.

Bush was quick to point that he doesn't want to be remembered as the guy "who helped Enron pillage California; or who appointed an incompetent fool to head FEMA; or who eliminated the use of science or facts as the basis for making decisions; or who left a generation of children behind in their education; or who initiated and mismanaged a long, very expensive and ill-advised war; or who accumulated a record national debt; or who nearly destroyed the world economy."

"Those things are all so negative. I want to be remembered as the president who did positive things like reducing taxes for thousands of wealthy Americans and liberating Iraq from tyranny," Bush said.

Bush is reported to be contemplating a post-presidential path similar to that of Jimmy Carter, except for the parts about helping to ensure free and fair democratic elections and helping to construct low cost homes, which Bush described as "a lot of hard work."

Bush was non-committal about the prospects for his presidential library.  "One thing's for sure, it won't have that damn Pet Goat book," Bush said. Sources close to the president say that he is planning to create a "Bush Freedom Institute" that will seek to reduce taxes on wealthy citizens of many nations and also impose democracy on nations whose citizenry is unprepared to receive it.  

Bush is also said to be considering soliciting speakers fees from governments and companies in exchange for guarantees that he will not give speeches to them. "People just want Bush to go away. I think we can leverage that desire with the president's interest in not doing very much actual work to get rich," said an aide who asked not to be named.

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Boy George Guilty of False Impersonation

A jury convicted pop singer Boy George of falsely impersonating a female on Friday.

The iconic '80s singer, whose real name is George O'Dowd, admitted to applying girly makeup, plucking his eyebrows and adopting many female mannerisms, but denied tattooing his shaven head and generally looking like a creepy old dude.

Jurors were shown photos and videos which the prosecutors said had been inflicted by O'Dowd. The singer denied that he was responsible.

This was not the singer's first brush with the law.

Two years ago O'Dowd was able to plea bargain a cocaine possession charge down to filing a false police report. O'Dowd was given the relatively harsh penalty of sweeping New York City streets because he reported didn't know that cocaine possession was illegal for celebrities.

More recently, O'Dowd was again in trouble with the law for allegedly tying up a male escort and forcing him to sing Do You Really Want to Hurt Me. The judge warned that some jail time was probable.

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Recession Confirmed by National Bureau of Flipping Obvious

The United States economy officially sank into a recession last December according to the National Bureau of Flipping Obvious.

NBFO Chief Economist, Dr. Paul Pable compared the current economic downturn to postwar recessions, which have averaged nearly 11 months. "The absence of amelioration in current economic indicators suggests the possibility that the current recession may exceed the mean postwar recession duration," he said. 

As if to add an exclamation point to Dr. Pable's announcement, or to emphasize its shocking cluelessness, Wall Street's benchmark Dow Jones industrial average plummeted nearly 8 percent.

Both Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury secretary Henry Paulson pledged to use all the tools at their disposal to restore the economy. Mr. Bernanke said that it was "theoretically feasible" to reduce the Fed's benchmark overnight lending rate below its current target of 1 percent. "Although we've been giving away billions for months with no apparent effect," added Mr. Paulson before curling into a fetal position and crying.

 

"Suddenly, it doesn't seem like such a great idea to base our entire economy on having banks lend money they don't have to people who have no means of repaying it," said Mr. Bernanke.

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Born to Code? New Test for Geek Gene

When Raji Ramnani learned recently that a simple genetic test might be able to determine which technology field will suit the talents of her 2-year old son Sanjay, she instantly said, Where can I get it and who cares what it costs?

"I could see how some people might think the test would pigeonhole your child into doing search optimization, xml coding or chip design, but I think it's good to match them with the right activity," Ms. Ramnani, 28, said as she watched a toddler web design class struggle to perform a Google pagerank calculation in between afternoon snack and nap time.

"I think it would prevent a lot of parental frustration," she said. "Why should I be spending $1,000 each week to send Sanjay to a web design pre-school if he's going to grow up to design tera-scale processing chips?" 

In tech-conscious Mountain View, California, 23andYou has been optimizing tests for variations in the ventral patterning factor Sonic Hedgehog that coordinates the growth of telencephalic subregions which has been shown to correlate strongly to preference of technology careers.

Some experts say that Sonic Hedgehog testing is in its infancy and virtually useless.  Dr. Thadeus Nadwadny, the director of the Fresno Institute of Technology's interdepartmental gene therapy program, called it "an opportunity to sell new versions of snake oil."

A 23andYou spokesperson said that they were developing an entire suite of genetic testing for early identification of sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies and dickheads.

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Palin Joins Chambliss Campaign in Georgia

The Alaska governor and former Republican vice-presidential nominee is back on the campaign trail, teaming up with Senator Saxby Chambliss in the state's Senatorial runoff election. "I'm just so pleased and honored that Saxby asked me to join his campaign and so you have to be committed to the mission, this mission that we're on, reform of this country and victory in the war Iraq and so I didn't blink then even when he asked me to campaign with him," said Palin.

Chambliss is the freshman Republican senator from Georgia who narrowly edged Democrat Jim Martin, but Georgia law requires 50 percent plus one.  A third party candidate denied Chambliss the outright victory forcing the runoff election.

When asked to describe her role in the runoff election, Palin said "That's a great question.  Piper asked me the same question just this morning.  As vice senator, my role will be to be Saxby's teammate and partner in the senate, so if we want, I can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will benefit you and your family and all the Joe six-packs and hockey moms out there in this great nation of ours."

"[Palin has] got to go back to Alaska," said Ed Rollins, a GOP strategist.

Sixty-seven percent of Republican and Republican-leaning voters said that they would like to see the Alaska governor make a bid for the next GOP presidential nomination.  Meanwhile, ninety-three percent of Democratic and Democratic-leaning voters and one hundred percent of late-night television hosts said that they would like to see the Alaska governor make a bid for the GOP presidential nomination.

"What's the difference between Sarah Palin and a train wreck?" asked Daily Show host Jon Stewart. "Lipstick!"

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Bunny, Energizer Holdings to End Sponsor Deal

The Energizer Bunny and Energizer Holdings, Inc. have agreed to end their endorsement deal after 20 years at the end of the year, the hare and the major battery manufacturer announced Monday.

The decision comes as U.S. battery manufacturers face significant uncertainty with retail sales of annoying electronic toys in rapid decline and while frustration with Bunny's endorsement of Duracell batteries in Europe and Australia has been on the rise.

The endorsement contract, reported to pay Bunny $7 million a year, was due to expire at the end of 2008.

Bunny has been featured in advertisements of Energizer Batteries throughout North America, recently saving the eastern U.S. when a power plant fails after an unfortunate coffee-spilling accident. 

Energizer Holdings officials were reported to be frustrated with the popularity of Bunny's more risque Duracell commercials in Europe. 

"I am very proud of the long standing partnership I've had with Energizer Holdings and have enjoyed being part of the company's dramatic product evolution.  We've had a lot of fun together," Bunny said in a statement.

"Bunny has been a great friend to Energizer Holdings and a fantastic asset through the years," said an Energizer spokesperson.  "The timing of this decision and those other activities is purely coincidental."

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A Heartwarming (True!) Holiday Story

Thanksgiving went pretty well, at least until the geysering started. 

I know what you're thinking, geysers are not a traditional part of the thanksgiving celebration. This is true even in San Francisco where all manner of non-traditional activities are woven into the fabric of society. Because, really, when you're staring at a geyser, it's a little difficult to think of things to be thankful for. It's true that the geysers in Yellowstone are awe-inspiring. Although, I have to admit that Old Faithful was somewhat less awe-inspiring than I had been built up in my mind. But I am quite certain that while gazing at Old Faithful I was not overcome with a wave of thankfulness. 

So, as I watched the geyser I found it difficult to think of things to be thankful for. Particularly when the geyser is your house that you moved into less than a week previous. I suppose I might be thankful that the geyser is in the kitchen and not in the bathroom. And I suppose I might be thankful that the geysering started after dinner and not before. But really, a geyser is not the type of sight that inspires thoughts of thankfulness.

I guess that I would be thankful that I was able to clean all of the dishes before the geysering started. The roasting pan for the turkey. The pot for mashed potatoes. The vegetable steamer and sauté pan for the glazed carrots. The food processor for the cranberry dressing. The pan for the gravy. Not to mention the serving dishes for each and our various plates and utensils. Unfortunately, the geysering started just as the dishwasher was full of dirty dishes and every horizontal surface in the kitchen was stacked with the flotsam leftover from our tradition of over-doing thanksgiving.

As I stood in front of the kitchen sink watching a geyser rise up from the bowels of our new home, I was not feeling thankful. However, in retrospect I find many things to be thankful for. I am thankful that the geyser was not so tall as to hit the ceiling. I'm thankful that the geyser was not so wide as to spray out of the sink. I'm thankful that the geyser was of sufficiently short duration that the sink was able to hold all of its contents. I'm also thankful for paper plates, plastic utensils and Chinese take-out.

As to whether we'll keep the thanksgiving geyser as part of our tradition, I'll have to wait until next year to say for sure. But I'll be thankful if it's not.

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Feds, in Major Shift, Flush Cash Down Toilet

This week's move by the Treasury and Federal Reserve to inject another $800 billion into the financial opens yet another chapter in the government's continually evolving response to the financial crisis.

Add one more acronym to the alphabet soup of financial rescue programs: zero interest loans can't hurt, or ZILCH.  But ZILCH is not just another bailout program.

ZILCH represents a major shift in the Fed's monetary policy along with an effort to streamline governmental efficiency. The central bank has run out of room to lower interest rates, and banks are just hoarding the cash that they've already received from the Treasury.  So the Fed is bypassing the banking system entirely and pumping cash directly into the New York City sewer system to try to revive economic growth.

So far it is hard to tell whether it is working.  Apparently, the cash gets so soggy and nasty that local merchants are reluctant to accept it as payment.  

"There are bound to be some unanticipated consequences of any program that we implement. We are economic experts, not plumbers.  Does anyone really understand what happens when ...  The point is that we have to keep trying until we find something that works. Right now, we have ZILCH, if ZILCH doesn't work, we'll try something else," said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke.

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Big 3 Scale Back Glitz at Fresno Auto Show

GM, Ford and Chrysler are still showing off their newest vehicles at the Fresno Auto Show, but their new car displays are overshadowed by massive displays of their used vehicles as well as an amazing array of new models and concepts from the Asian and European companies that are eager to take a portion of the U.S. market share.

Casting a shadow on the annual event's glitz was the presence of Bernie McClowsky of Bernie's Gently Used Cars on North Abby Street.  McClowsky was doing his best to sell off his inventory of crappy American iron, but most attendees of the show seemed to be repulsed by his pallid visage and aura of cigarette smoke and cheap cologne.  

Normally, GM, Ford and Chrysler would have had a stronger presence at the show, unveiling their latest lame attempts to keep up with the rapidly moving market preferences by introducing even larger and less fuel-efficient SUVs and trucks.

"Quite frankly, I applaud them," said Al Castignetti, a Nissan vice president. "They are in survival mode, and if I were in survival mode I'd do the same damn thing, except that pre-owned Nissans don't suck like that Pontiac Aztek over there."  

"The auto show gave us some some flak, 'You should do an unveiling' they said," Chrysler spokesman Scott Brown said. "Why?"

BMW's MINI brand started the show a day early by showing off an all-electric version of its incredibly cool cars.  More than 10,000 people have already inquired about leasing one of the 450 test cars that will hit the road in California, New York and New Jersey next year.

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Amy Winehouse Hospitalized for Drug Reaction

Troubled singer Amy Winehouse has been admitted to a London hospital after suffering a bad reaction to drugs, her representative said Tuesday.

"We're pretty sure it was a combination of heroin, cocaine, crystal meth and ecstasy," Winehouse spokesman Chris Goodman said.  Goodman said the rumors of marijuana, vodka, and Tylenol PM were "dirty, filthy lies."

Witnesses called the Winehouse reaction "the most spectacular celebrity drug incident since Richard Pryor burst into flames and ran down the streets of Northridge California."

The Grammy-winning Winehouse has suffered a string of "health problems" including: spending the year 2005 drinking, using drugs, suffering violent mood swings and losing weight; her 2006 free fall into addiction; her hospitalization in 2007 for an overdose of heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, ketamine and alcohol; in 2008, she was diagnosed with emphysema and irregular heartbeat that were the result of chain smoking (cigarettes!) and crack cocaine use. 

In 2008, Winehouse spent two weeks in rehab, apparently in conflict with her hit single "Rehab", and has since been covered nearly head-to-toe with nicotine patches.  "The doctors said it was important to gradually wean her off of nicotine," said Goodman.

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Spanish Eco-Zombies Created by Solar Panels on Graves

Santa Coloma de Gramenet, a gritty working-class town outside Barcelona, has placed a sea of solar panels agop mausoleums at its cemetery, transforming a place of perpetual rest into one buzzing with marauding zombies.  

Flat, open and sun-drenched land is so scarce in Santa Coloma that the graveyard was just about the only viable spot to move ahead with its solar energy program.

Unfortunately, the power from the 462 panels produces enough power to reanimate five to seven zombies per day - equivalent to the energy consumed by 60 homes.

"We were intending to pay tribute to our ancestors, not reanimate them with clean energy," said Esteve Serret, director of Conste-Live Energy, a Spanish company the operates the Santa Coloma cemetery, develops renewable energy and is now offering zombie eradication services.

At first, parking solar panels on coffins was a tough sell, "Let's say we heard things like 'they're crazy. Who do they think they are? The dead will rise and try to eat our brains!' " said Antoni Fogue, a city council member.  "We thought it was all nonsense," Fogue added.

The eco-zombies seem to be drawn to organic brains leading the local government to recommend that locals eat only unhealthy foods until the zombies can be rounded up.  "They might be the walking undead, but that doesn't mean they can't hustle when you're trying to whack their heads off," said Serret.

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Bush Faults Obama for Not Taking Lead in Righting Economy

As the United States writhes in a collapsing economy, analysts and observers are wondering: Who's skippering the ship?

President Bush, who has been noticeably absent from the machinations aimed at righting the nation's financial course, said "The American people elected that Obama guy, like, almost a month ago and we still haven't seen any clear leadership from him."  When reporters reminded the President of Obama's statement that the United States has only one government and one president at a time, Bush replied "That's not what Dick Cheney told me."

Bush further indicated that the only solution to the current economic was to reduce taxes on the wealthy and to reduce regulation on businesses.  "That's what got us into this mess and that's what will get us out", said Bush.

Meanwhile, jobless numbers are skyrocketing the stock market is plummeting and the banking industry continues to decline, outpaced only by the fall of the U.S. auto industry.  Obama said recently that neglecting to provide relief to the auto industry would be disastrous, but he has done nothing to break a deadlocked Congress of which he is no longer a member.

Said President Bush, "Obama cannot escape this responsibility forever.  The American people deserve better leadership than this."

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New Rule Would Discount Facts as Risk Factors

The Bush administration is finalizing changes to the Endangered Species Act that would ensure that federal agencies would not have to take facts into account when assessing risks to imperiled plants and animals.

The main purpose of the new regulation is to replace the provision of the Endangered Species Act that requires independent scientific review by either the US Fish and Wildlife Service or the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration with a dart board in Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne's office.  

The original version of the proposed regulation that utilized a flip of a coin to determine whether an endangered species lived or died was deemed to protect species too often.  Secretary Kempthorne said "No matter how hard I tried, that coin would come up heads almost half the time."  The new proposed regulation makes it much easier to discount the needs of threatened species because the portion of the dart board that would determined that a species might need protection can be made very small.  "Also, I can't throw a dart worth a crap" said Secretary Kempthorne.

Interior Department spokewoman Tina Kreisher said the administration is close to issuing a final rule but is still reviewing the language for potential changes such as what it means when Secretary Kempthorne misses the dart board or when the dart bounces off. "With a matter as sensitive as this, we want to be sure to capture all of the possible outcomes," said Kreisher.

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Obama Picks Clinton to be Secretary

Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to give up her Senate seat to become a secretary in the Obama White House, confidants said Friday.  

The accord between the two leading figures of the Democratic Party is the culmination of Clinton's decline from frontrunner to rival to endorser to assistant.  President-elect Barack Obama and Mrs. Clinton fought a polarizing nomination battle that threatened to divide the Democratic Party, but in recruiting her, Mr. Obama chose to turn a rival into an employee, and she concluded that, dammit, she was determined to get back into the White House somehow.

The role, though a supporting one, would make her one of the most influential players at the White House, requiring everyone who wants to meet with the President to negotiate their way past her desk.  It would also make former President Bill Clinton an ad hoc member of the Obama team, possibly in charge of catering.

Supporters of Mrs. Clinton were split on the announcement.  Some were offended that Obama would choose her for such a subordinate role, while others were confident that she would use her position to take control of the White House.  

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Cheney Pushes for More Cash Exploration

In a joint statement Vice President Dick Cheney and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson yesterday called for a substantial increase in domestic cash exploration and other financial resources, including in environmentally sensitive areas, saying that only increased production - and not new technology - will satisfy the nation's economic crisis.

"We are an economy that runs on cash.  Almost $40 billion of it a day.  That can and will change over time, but it will be a very long time," said Paulson, former head of U.S. financial company Goldman Sachs. "We'd be doing the whole country a favor if more of that cash were produced here at home."

Cheney chided lawmakers for blocking financial companies from extracting investments from environmentally sensitive areas such as the Silicon Valley National Investor Refuge.  SVNIR is the home of the last surviving flock of angel investors that were nearly hunted to extinction during the dot-com boom of 1995-2001.

Robert Reich, professor at U.C. Berkeley's Goldman School of Public Policy and advisor to President-elect Barack Obama, disputed Cheney and Paulson's prescription.  "The only people who would benefit from more cash investment are the financial companies," he said.  Reich said that financial companies already hold millions of mortgages to extract cash from virtually every state in the nation.  "They have an interest in not dramatically expanding financial supply because that will keep interest rates high."

Chamber of Commerce President Tom Donahue said the association is kicking off a $15 million-a-year plan to persuade lawmakers to support cash exploration in SVNIR and money laundering technologies.

Cheney acknowledged the economy is facing "headwinds," including "turmoil in the credit markets" and "a major correction in housing" in addition to rising loan rates.  "The current economic crisis demands that we consider all options for domestic cash exploration."

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'Lost' Rednex Track Could Finally Be Heard

A "lost" Rednex track recorded in 1996 and performed just once in public could finally be released according to producer Janne Ericsson.

The track "Tre Apor i Fara", which translates as "Three Monkeys in Peril", is a 3-minute and 42-second experimental track recorded on the heels of Rednex hit "Cotton-Eyed Joe" and widely regarded as the only surviving blend of klezmer and Shibuya-kei that has long been considered too adventurous for mainstream audiences.

In an exclusive E24 interview, Ericsson said that he and fellow producers Orjan Oberg and Pat Reiniz had only just recently agreed that the world was ready to receive their masterpiece. Ericsson confirmed that he still owned the master tapes, adding that he had thought that the tapes were lost, but that he found them in his dresser drawer.

In the twelve years since its recording, "Tre Apor i Fara" has acquired near mythical status amoung Rednex fans who argue that the track provides evidence of the group's ambitions.

The work features distorted violins, discordant accordians and jazz-inspired electropop rhythms interspersed with Scarlet and Dagger's subversive lyrics about monkeys in dangerous circumstances. 

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Shipment of Counterfeit Charmin Intercepted

U.S. customs agents intercepted a shipment of fake Charmin toilet paper that were found hidden behind cartons of Nike shoes in a shipping container.

Specially-trained toilet paper sniffing dogs signaled that the otherwise unremarkable shipping container in the Port of Oakland contained the counterfeit booty.   

Agents said that the counterfeiting of basic consumer goods has been on the rise lately, but that most of the counterfeits are of very poor quality.  "It's clear that this toilet paper is not squeezably soft" said agent Garcia.  

Last week four area residents were indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of importing counterfeit Bounty paper towels when prosecutors demonstrated that the counterfeit goods "couldn't pick up shit."

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Critical Sperm Shortage in Britain

Authorities today reported a critical shortage of sperm supplies in fertility clinics throughout Britain.  Nearly two thirds of the seventy-four clinics responding to the surveys indicated that they either had no sperm or insufficient supplies to meet demand.  

Virtually all clinics have reduced their donor standards, with wankers and the barmy now eligible to donate.  Specialists at some fertility clinics are so desperate to secure supplies of sperm that they have launched campaigns and promotions to attract new donors.  

One successful promotion involved each donor being spanked by a woman wearing a French maid costume.  Another clinic which suggested that their clients actually have sex with men has been permanently shut down by NHS.

Sexually-repressed nations around the globe have risen to the challenge by offering Britain supplies of excess sperm.  Officials say that they are confident that donations from the US state of Utah are more than sufficient to get through the near-term crisis.  However, clients at many clinics have expressed understandable reluctance to receive such sperm.  Said one client "I wouldn't mind if my child was a wanker or a little barmy, but I wouldn't want them to be conservative."

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Cheney Experiences Regular Heartbeat

Vice President Dick Cheney was sent to George Washington University Hospital when he began to exhibit symptoms of what doctors referring to as cardiac rhythmia. Doctors were able to restore Cheney's heartbeat to its usual atrial fibrillation by administering a double order of Crispy Chipotle Chicken Crispers. Doctors described the procedure as "Disgusting, but not particularly dangerous to a man of Dick Cheney's health."

Cardiac rhythmia, also known as sinus rhythm, is a medical condition common to nearly 300 million Americans. "Most people can function normally for their entire lives with this condition." said Dr. Hitesh Gupta.  However, Dr. Gupta noted that Cheney's reaction to such a common rhythmia was "Quite possibly unique in medical history."

Cardiac rhythmia occurs when the heart's upper chambers, called the atria, operate in synch with the lower chambers' pumping action.  The condition is not normally life-threatening and has been associated with episodes of empathy and kindness.  Dr. Gupta noted that, if left untreated, cardiac rhythmia could impair the Vice President's ability to function effectively.

White House doctors where alerted when Cheney, who had been suffering from a cold, was heard to mutter something about wanting to help "the less fortunate."  White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said "He may have other episodes, but now that we know the warning signs, we can get medical treatment before he causes any significant policy changes."

Cheney has a history of heart problems forcing doctors to attempt to bypass it four times previously.  Upon leaving the hospital, Cheney was heard exclaiming "I have you now!" and "There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you.", so doctors were confident that another bypass attempt would not be necessary.

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WTF?

Q1: WTF?

A1: The Picayune Dispatch is the only news you'll ever need.  Those other "news" sources are too wrapped up in facts and stuff.  Don't even bother with them.  If you think some real news has slipped past our crack team of writers and editors, you're probably wrong.  But you're welcome to ask us about it anyhow.  We can make up a story on almost any subject.

Q2: Dude, why?

A2: The truth needs to come out, even if only by chance.

Q3: Is this for real?

A3: You are really reading this aren't you?  That's good enough for us.

Q4: How often will The Picayune Dispatch be published?

A4: Publish? That's so old school.  Our crack team of writers and editors will be constantly seeking out real news stories that matter and they'll be posted here, like, whenever.

Q5: Do you used real names?

A5: Yes. And real quotes, too. Although, quotes are often taken out of context or modified to fit the story. The Picayune Dispatch is purely fictional, any similarity between stories found here and real events, persons, or places is only to enhance the parody value.

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