Gov Blagojevich Announces eBay Auction Winner

Governor Rod R. Blagojevich of Illinois said Thursday that he will appoint Roland W. Burris, who was the winning bidder on the governor's eBay auction to fill President-elect Barack Obama's U.S. Senate seat.

The defiant Blagojevich, who is facing impeachment proceedings in the Illinois House as well as federal corruption charges has denied all wrongdoing. "As governor I am required to make this appointment," a self-assured Blagojevich said. "If I don't make this appointment, then I'd have to give back my eBay auction proceeds."

The Senate Democrats released a letter reiterating their view that Mr. Blagojevich "is a special kind of stupid" if he believes that any appointment that he makes will be accepted by the Democratic Caucus.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, said, "There is no f---ing way that is going to happen!"

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GOP Divided Over "Barack the Magic Negro"

The Republican Party reaction is divided over the decision of a candidate for the party chairman to distribute a CD that features a racially insensitive tune.  

The majority of Chip Saltsman's political rivals are criticizing the timing of the discs release.  "I am shocked and appalled that Saltsman would use such shameless self-promotion to try to win the GOP chaimanship," said current Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan. "

"I know I laughed until I cried and peed a little bit when I first heard this on Rush," said Michigan GOP chairman Saul Anuzis. "But, still. Anything that paints the GOP as being motivated purely by racism in our criticism of President-elect Obama does a disservice to our party. We're also motivated by the fact that he's a gay-loving, socialist baby-killer."

Republican Party of Florida Chairman Jim Greer - who has also been weighing a run for the party's top spot - released a statement praising Saltsman's critics. "As the GOP Chairman in one of our most ethnically-diverse states, I know how important it is to be as inclusive as possible. A lot of attention has been paid to the 'Barack the Magic Negro' song, but it's important to note that the CD also contained songs offensive to hispanics and the poor. "

"I think most people understand overt racism as a legitimate form of humor," said Saltsman.  "I think most RNC members understand that racially insensitive humor is just good fun."

But some younger members of the party were less understanding. James Richardson, the RNC's online communication manager for the 2008 election cycle, called Saltsman's move "quite the revealing faux pas."

"Did I just speak French? Dammit! Now I'll never be able to get another job in the GOP," added Richardson.

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Utility Estimates "A Whole Shitload" of Ash Spilled

A burst dike at a coal-fired power plant in eastern Tennessee spilled "a whole shitload" of ash - more than originally estimated - officials said Friday.  The Tennessee Valley Authority had first estimated that barely a buttload of ash had spilled in the breach.

TVA spokesman, Richard Head, could not explain the discrepancy. "At this point, we believe that the initial estimate may have been just a wild-ass guess."

One local resident whose land is covered in 10 feet of ash and debris said he is not drinking the local water and is keeping his children inside until he can send them to a relative's house, "because I don't feel comfortable with them around here."

"I don't know what people are getting so pissy about. We're cleaning it up," said Head. "We have almost a hundred workers cleaning up the mess. Also, people should take comfort in knowing that President Bush has ordered the EPA to find that the spill does not pose a health threat to either the local residents or those living downstream."

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RNC Chairman Defends Racism

A candidate for the Republican National Committee chairmanship said Friday the CD he sent to RNC members as a Christmas gift - which included a song titled "Barack the Magic Negro" - was clearly intended as racism.

"I think most people recognize racism when they see it," Tennessee Republican Chip Saltsman said.  "I think RNC members understand that."

The song, set to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon," was first played on racist commentator Rush Limbaugh's radio show in 2007.  Saltsman said the song, penned by his longtime friend Paul Shanklin, should easily be recognized as racism directed at Obama.

Saltsman said, "I think it's important for the chairman of the RNC to fully reflect the core beliefs of the party. This CD proves, beyond a doubt, that I can be as racist and insensitive as anyone in the GOP - except maybe Trent Lott."

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Brazil to get Nuclear Snob Technology from France

The presidents of France and Brazil are set to sign several bilateral agreements, including one that would make Brazil the first Latin American nation to acquire France's nuclear-powered snob technology.

Brazil and Argentina are the only Latin American countries with significant nuclear capabilities, however, in offering this technology, France appears to be expressing confidence in Brazil's potential for snobbery. Previously, France had only offered its snob technology to the Canadian province of Quebec.

France has led the world in snobbery since developing snob technology powered by nuclear energy in the 1950s.

Under the accords to be signed by the two presidents, France would also provide Brazil with haughty attitudes and rudeness monitoring technology.

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More Holder/Blagojevich Associations Uncovered

Attorney General-designate Eric Holder, in written responses to the Senate Judiciary Committee, did not include information about a close association with the tainted Governor Illinois Rod Blagojevich.

In the wake of gay sex scandals involving Senator Larry Craig and Ted Haggard, the Judiciary Committee added questions regarding instance in which other men may have had an opportunity to see the nominee's penis.

Confidential witnesses to the committee have submitted evidence that Eric Holder and Gov. Blagojevich have occasionally shared adjacent urinals.

"Eric Holder has used the restroom hundreds of times," Obama transition spokeswoman Stephanie Cutter said in a statement. "He did his best to report them all to the comittee, but as he noted in the questionnaire itself, some were undoubtedly missed in the effort to reconstruct a list of them."

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Duggars Awaken to Discover 18th Child

Michelle Duggar has, apparently, given birth to her 18th child.

The Arkansas supermom delivered the baby girl, apparently, in her sleep.  The baby, named something starting with "J", weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces and was 20 inches long.

Jim Bob Duggar said Michelle had been having contractions Wednesday night. "We didn't think much of it. After all, Michelle's been having contractions for, what, like 20 years now," he said. "She's the ultimate Christmas gift from God. But, still, it's a little disconcerting to wake up to find a new baby in your bed."

The Duggar's have been married for 24 years, but didn't get started bearing children until 20 years ago. They now have 18 children (of which two sets are twins) spanning the ages of 20 years to 1 day. This mean that, since they decided to start spreading their genes, Michelle has been pregnant 3 times more than she has not been pregnant.

The Duggars are followers of the evangelical Christian movement called Quiverful, which teaches that children are God's blessing and that husbands and wives should happily welcome every child they are given. After 18 children, the depth of their devotion is as evident as their insanity.

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Police Accused of Breaking Pervs Wanking Arm

A jury heard opening statements in a lawsuit by a man who says San Francisco police broke his wanking arm while he was trying to enjoy a pornographic movie in the comfort of his own home.

The unusual case began when Richard Johnson was chugging 40-ounce beers while watching "Skanky Ho #87" with the volume turned up to eleven, according to witness testimony.

Police were initially called by Johnson's wife, Mildred, who asked "can you send someone to stop my husband? I just can't stand it anymore," according to 911 tapes.

San Francisco police mounted a massive response with some 69 officers responding to the 911 call.

The first officers to arrive at the Johnson home encountered Mr. Johnson lying naked on his couch watching the movie. As more officers arrived and blocked Mr. Johnson's view of the television, he became irate, screaming "It's my movie! Mine! Go get you're own f---ing porn!" according to arresting officer Rod Peters.

Officer Peters said, "Suddenly there was this naked man screaming and flailing about. I though he might attack me, try to hurt me. So I yelled 'Take him down now!' Somewhere along the way, his arm was, unfortunately, broken." 

Mr. Johnson said he felt his world was coming apart when the officers moved to arrest him. "I felt that all of a sudden the world turned around, there was a revolution," Johnson said. "There was a police state where you couldn't even watch your own porn."

"He was upset," said Johnson's attorney, Harry Wang, outside the court. "But however he acted, that doesn't give them the right to break his arm. He's not an ambi-wanker; he may never be able to pleasure himself again."

Johnson is suing the San Francisco police for $50,000 for excessive force and $250,000 for loss of the use of his wanking arm.

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CA GOP Calls for Education Cuts to Make People Stupid

Buoyed by Proposition 8 result that was strongly supported by the least educated Californians and opposed by the most educated, Republican state lawmakers unveiled a set of proposals today that would cut deeply into education spending.

The plan is the Republican's first comprehensive proposal since Governor Arnold Schwarznegger called a special legislative session to try to solve the state's Republican voter registration deficit.

The GOP plan to cut $15.6 billion in education spending would go far beyond the proposals from the Governor.  The largest chunk, nearly $10 billion, would come out of K-12 education, thus ensuring decades of stupidity in the state. "Clearly we're also going to have to decimate higher education to have an immediate impact, but this will ensure that we have a state full of morons for to foreseeable future," said Senate Minority Leader Dave Cogdill, R-Modesto.

Even if the plan is adopted in whole, the state would likely face declining Republican voter registration for years to come.

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Wrath of God Blamed for Fire at Palin's Church

Gov. Sarah Palin's home church was badly damaged by the wrath of God, leading the governor to apologize if the fire was connected to "undeserved negative attention" from her failed vice presidential campaign.

Damage to the Wasilla Bible Church was estimated at $1 million.  Only a handful of people were inside at the time of the smiting, but everyone escaped without injury.

Members of the Wasilla Bible Church gathered in prayer Saturday to understand God's will in damaging the church. "It's hard to say at this point. Everything is just speculation," said one worshiper, who asked not to be named out of fear of divine retribution. "We have no information on God's intent or motive."

Authorities could only speculate as to the cause of the fire. "It might have been lightning bolts, but we're not sure," said a Central Mat-su Fire District spokesperson. "So far, we have only been able to rule out some of the most common plagues like locust, blood and frogs."

Palin spokesman, Bill McAllister, said in a statement that Palin had told an assistant pastor she was sorry if the smiting was in any way connected with her very un-christian vice presidential campaign of divisiveness, lies and racism.

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Aniston on Tour to Promote Privacy

If it were up to Jennifer Aniston, the gossip-worthy details of her private life would never make it to print. In an interview promoting her new film "Marley & Me", the actress voiced her growing frustration with the public's interest in all things Aniston.

"I think it's ridiculous," she said. "There's just this insatiable need... I mean, I'm out here promoting my new blockbuster movie with Owen Wilson and I have a nude photo spread in next month's GQ magazine and I'm pretty sure I just called Angelina Jolie a dog in USA Today. I am honestly getting sick of it, and I feel like telling people, 'You know what? It's none of your f---ing business.' Seriously, it's enough."

As for Jolie's past remarks about falling for Brad Pitt on the set of "Mr. & Mrs. Smith", Aniston says, "Considering the source, nothing surprises me."

When asked if he had heard Aniston's recent comments, Pitt said, "No, but I saw that GQ spread. I know I dumped her, but she is really hot. Hey, wait a minute. That's my... Ang gave me that tie!"

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Conservatives Set 'Day Without a GOP'

Since U.S. voters elected Barack Obama last month while also sending dozens of conservative congressmen and senators packing, conservative leaders have appeared on Fox News, raved about Sarah Palin and ranted on talk radio.

On Wednesday, they were asked to do something different: nothing at all.

Modeled loosely after the 2006 immigration rights demonstrations that the GOP widely ridiculed at the time, "Day Without a GOP" was scheduled for Wednesday and billed as "a chance for those Obama-loving socialists to realize who really runs this country."

Organizers said that they didn't expect all of the McCain/Palin supporters to "call in conservative", but they were hoping for a better response.

Earlier, several evangelical conservatives had said that they had planned to take the day off "if it is God's will."

 

"It's organic, it's visceral, it's grass roots and net roots," said Sean Hannity, of Fox News. "People are reacting in a very natural way to having their hard-earned money taken away by a socialist president."

Some conservatives expressed their confusion about what it meant to be part of the GOP. Roger Davies of Atlanta, Georgia said, "Being a Republican used to mean less government, lower taxes and staying the hell out of people's lives. Now it means big government, irresponsible wars, huge debts, rampant environmental destruction, dictation of morality, and, apparently, hot gay sex. Lots of hot gay sex."

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Shortage of Blue Toilet Stuff Threatens Flights

The federal government is warning airlines that flights could face disruptions this winter because of a shortage of the blue chemical used in airplane toilets.

The shortage arose after New York City officials were forced to deploy thousands of portable toilets to Wall Street when the markets went down the crapper.

So far airlines have been able to maintain their flight schedules by encouraging travelers to use the restroom before boarding the plane and by adopting a policy of "if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down," said a spokesman for the Federal Aviation Administration.

Several airlines have begun to experiment with the use of pay toilets to mixed results. "That seven bucks they charge me for a beer ought to pay for me taking a leak, too," said business traveler Ben Whitacker.

In light of the shortages, the FAA rushed the approval of toilet chemicals manufactured by three different companies. "The airlines have a number of options to make up the difference," said John Bidet, FAA's director of Toilet Safety and Standards.

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NBC Moves Leno to Keep Audience

Jay Leno, the King of Late Night, will be moving to 10 p.m. NBC officials announced Tuesday.

The news that Leno's talk/variety show would be airing at 10 p.m. Eastern Time - offering his rapidly aging audience a chance to catch his monologue before falling asleep with the television on - caught viewers and television executives by surprise. 

"I think most people expected Jay to retire and fade into obscurity," said Dave Letterman, whose Late Show with David Letterman competes directly with The Tonight Show, but has the benefit of attracting a younger, hipper audience that likes to stay up past midnight.

But it raised more questions than it answered. Among them: will anyone watch Conan O'Brien when he takes over the Tonight Show from Jay? Is NBC shifting to an talk show/reality TV format? Is scripted television dead?

NBC seems to have put the last question to rest by estimating that the new Jay Leno show will only cost $2 million per week compared to $15 million per week for the dramas that will be replaced.

In establishing Leno's new show, NBC will be able to lock up the much sought-after "blue-hair demographic."

Asked whether CBS would be altering their lineup to counter the NBC move, CBS spokesman Art Manning said, "We have a full complement of CSI shows that are performing quite well, and, frankly, don't require much writing or production. So, if Jay wants to take on David Caruso's Horation Caine, I say, 'Try.' "  

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Opa-Locka "Decorum Rule" to be Tested

At their last meeting, Opa-locka, Florida commissioners approved a decorum resolution defining appropriate behavior at city meetings. The rule faces its first test at this Wednesday's commission meeting.

Opa-locka has a long-standing decorum rule to deal with how residents must behave when addressing the commissioners. For instance, when attempting to bribe a commissioner, residents are required to address the commissioner as 'sir' or 'madam' and are required to say 'please.' The decorum rule also prohibits residents from blackmailing a commissioner more than once with the same photograph of the commissioner with a prostitute.

Commissioner Esther Williams, sponsor of the decorum ordinance, said she was concerned about the lack of propriety on the commission. Williams said, "Just last Thursday, I was called a 'skank' by that rat bastard." Williams refused to identify to which 'rat bastard' she was referring. "He knows who he is," she said. 

Among other things, the decorum ordinance will prohibit the use of the words 'skank', 'ho', 'f---er' and 'bitch' during the commission meetings. Also prohibited are such behaviors as making disparaging comments about a fellow commissioner to the press, or urinating in a fellow commissioner's gas tank or the office coffee pot.

The commission acknowledged that they forgot to dictate penalties in the ordinance and expect to correct the oversight in an upcoming meeting. 

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Aircraft Deployed to Protect US Northern Border

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials have deployed Predator B aircraft to the U.S. northern border to provide early warning against a feared invasion of Canadians.

The drone is scheduled to begin patrolling the northern U.S. border in January. Its flights will originate from the Grand Forks base.

"It is vital to America's security that we protect our borders, particularly the northern border," said Senator Kent Conrad, D-N.D. "The Grand Forks Air Branch plays an essential role in helping shut the door on Canadians who want to sneak across the border to strike on U.S. soil."

Conrad said the state's congressional delegation has been working for four years to establish patrols along the Canadian border. "Although the threat from the Canadian menace has been growing ever since the National Hockey League established the Boston Bruins in 1926," added Conrad.

Fearful that their attempts to dominate American culture would be thwarted by the regional popularity of hockey, Canadians were reportedly sent to infiltrate American popular culture. Some prominent celebrities suspected of being Canadians include William Shatner, Jim Carrey, Keanu Reeves, Pamela Anderson, Shania Twain, Mike Myers, Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette and Celine Dion.  Some are also known to speak French.

Fears over a Canadian invasion have grown throughout the Bush presidency. With the inauguration of Barack Obama only weeks away, the Bush administration is taking no chances with the Canadian menace.

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Bush Prepares for His Greatest Challenge

As the days dwindle until President Bush joins what Herbert Hoover called the "most exclusive trade union in the world," the unpopular commander in chief appears decidedly enthusiastic about leaving the political limelight.

Early ex-presidents quickly descended into obscurity, but modern ex-presidents commonly embark on a high-profile, and potentially very lucrative, consulting and speaking careers.  While this can be a difficult job for any ex-president, historians and political observers say that it will be especially difficult for Bush. He not only must oversee the construction of a presidential library and write his memoirs, but he must also attempt to salvage his legacy.

Bush was forced to struggle with how to define his legacy in favorable terms even before his presidency began.  However, Bush quickly swept aside lingering concerns about having been wrongly declared the winner of the 2000 election by embarking on a series of shockingly destructive initiatives.

Bush was quick to point that he doesn't want to be remembered as the guy "who helped Enron pillage California; or who appointed an incompetent fool to head FEMA; or who eliminated the use of science or facts as the basis for making decisions; or who left a generation of children behind in their education; or who initiated and mismanaged a long, very expensive and ill-advised war; or who accumulated a record national debt; or who nearly destroyed the world economy."

"Those things are all so negative. I want to be remembered as the president who did positive things like reducing taxes for thousands of wealthy Americans and liberating Iraq from tyranny," Bush said.

Bush is reported to be contemplating a post-presidential path similar to that of Jimmy Carter, except for the parts about helping to ensure free and fair democratic elections and helping to construct low cost homes, which Bush described as "a lot of hard work."

Bush was non-committal about the prospects for his presidential library.  "One thing's for sure, it won't have that damn Pet Goat book," Bush said. Sources close to the president say that he is planning to create a "Bush Freedom Institute" that will seek to reduce taxes on wealthy citizens of many nations and also impose democracy on nations whose citizenry is unprepared to receive it.  

Bush is also said to be considering soliciting speakers fees from governments and companies in exchange for guarantees that he will not give speeches to them. "People just want Bush to go away. I think we can leverage that desire with the president's interest in not doing very much actual work to get rich," said an aide who asked not to be named.

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Boy George Guilty of False Impersonation

A jury convicted pop singer Boy George of falsely impersonating a female on Friday.

The iconic '80s singer, whose real name is George O'Dowd, admitted to applying girly makeup, plucking his eyebrows and adopting many female mannerisms, but denied tattooing his shaven head and generally looking like a creepy old dude.

Jurors were shown photos and videos which the prosecutors said had been inflicted by O'Dowd. The singer denied that he was responsible.

This was not the singer's first brush with the law.

Two years ago O'Dowd was able to plea bargain a cocaine possession charge down to filing a false police report. O'Dowd was given the relatively harsh penalty of sweeping New York City streets because he reported didn't know that cocaine possession was illegal for celebrities.

More recently, O'Dowd was again in trouble with the law for allegedly tying up a male escort and forcing him to sing Do You Really Want to Hurt Me. The judge warned that some jail time was probable.

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Recession Confirmed by National Bureau of Flipping Obvious

The United States economy officially sank into a recession last December according to the National Bureau of Flipping Obvious.

NBFO Chief Economist, Dr. Paul Pable compared the current economic downturn to postwar recessions, which have averaged nearly 11 months. "The absence of amelioration in current economic indicators suggests the possibility that the current recession may exceed the mean postwar recession duration," he said. 

As if to add an exclamation point to Dr. Pable's announcement, or to emphasize its shocking cluelessness, Wall Street's benchmark Dow Jones industrial average plummeted nearly 8 percent.

Both Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury secretary Henry Paulson pledged to use all the tools at their disposal to restore the economy. Mr. Bernanke said that it was "theoretically feasible" to reduce the Fed's benchmark overnight lending rate below its current target of 1 percent. "Although we've been giving away billions for months with no apparent effect," added Mr. Paulson before curling into a fetal position and crying.

 

"Suddenly, it doesn't seem like such a great idea to base our entire economy on having banks lend money they don't have to people who have no means of repaying it," said Mr. Bernanke.

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Born to Code? New Test for Geek Gene

When Raji Ramnani learned recently that a simple genetic test might be able to determine which technology field will suit the talents of her 2-year old son Sanjay, she instantly said, Where can I get it and who cares what it costs?

"I could see how some people might think the test would pigeonhole your child into doing search optimization, xml coding or chip design, but I think it's good to match them with the right activity," Ms. Ramnani, 28, said as she watched a toddler web design class struggle to perform a Google pagerank calculation in between afternoon snack and nap time.

"I think it would prevent a lot of parental frustration," she said. "Why should I be spending $1,000 each week to send Sanjay to a web design pre-school if he's going to grow up to design tera-scale processing chips?" 

In tech-conscious Mountain View, California, 23andYou has been optimizing tests for variations in the ventral patterning factor Sonic Hedgehog that coordinates the growth of telencephalic subregions which has been shown to correlate strongly to preference of technology careers.

Some experts say that Sonic Hedgehog testing is in its infancy and virtually useless.  Dr. Thadeus Nadwadny, the director of the Fresno Institute of Technology's interdepartmental gene therapy program, called it "an opportunity to sell new versions of snake oil."

A 23andYou spokesperson said that they were developing an entire suite of genetic testing for early identification of sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies and dickheads.

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Palin Joins Chambliss Campaign in Georgia

The Alaska governor and former Republican vice-presidential nominee is back on the campaign trail, teaming up with Senator Saxby Chambliss in the state's Senatorial runoff election. "I'm just so pleased and honored that Saxby asked me to join his campaign and so you have to be committed to the mission, this mission that we're on, reform of this country and victory in the war Iraq and so I didn't blink then even when he asked me to campaign with him," said Palin.

Chambliss is the freshman Republican senator from Georgia who narrowly edged Democrat Jim Martin, but Georgia law requires 50 percent plus one.  A third party candidate denied Chambliss the outright victory forcing the runoff election.

When asked to describe her role in the runoff election, Palin said "That's a great question.  Piper asked me the same question just this morning.  As vice senator, my role will be to be Saxby's teammate and partner in the senate, so if we want, I can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will benefit you and your family and all the Joe six-packs and hockey moms out there in this great nation of ours."

"[Palin has] got to go back to Alaska," said Ed Rollins, a GOP strategist.

Sixty-seven percent of Republican and Republican-leaning voters said that they would like to see the Alaska governor make a bid for the next GOP presidential nomination.  Meanwhile, ninety-three percent of Democratic and Democratic-leaning voters and one hundred percent of late-night television hosts said that they would like to see the Alaska governor make a bid for the GOP presidential nomination.

"What's the difference between Sarah Palin and a train wreck?" asked Daily Show host Jon Stewart. "Lipstick!"

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