Obama Wants High-Paying Job in Future

President Barack Obama fielded questions on jobs, legalization of marijuana, the auto industry, legalization of marijuana, universal health care, legalization of marijuana, mortgages, legalization of marijuana, the economic crisis, and legalization of marijuana as he kicked off a first-of-its-kind Internet era Town Hall at the White House.  Obama said job creation in America is difficult in a time of economic hardship, but was essential so that he could land a high-paying job after he left the presidency.

"Look. I didn't fight a tough campaign for the presidency just so I could end up earning minimum wage asking people if they want fries with that," said Obama.

Before the meeting got under way, the White House had gotten over 100,000 online questions, of which 95,000 were about legalization of marijuana. Nonetheless, Obama refused to commit to making the legalization of marijuana a cornerstone of his economic recovery plan.

"We need our economic stimulus to get people on their feet and growing the economy not sitting on the couch, eating Doritos and watching a South Park marathon," said Obama.

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Surgery Expected to Take A-Rod Out of Media Spotlight for 6-9 Weeks

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez underwent arthroscopic surgery Monday to repair his damaged reputation and remove the media spotlight that has been shining upon him for the last few weeks.  

Rodriguez has been caught up in a media frenzy spanning rumors of an affair with Madonna to revelations of illegal steroid use. "The surgery went exactly as we planned," said Dr. Baron Munchausen, who performed the 80-minute procedure in Vail, Colorado. "There is no doubt in our minds that this was the best option for Alex and for the Yankees."

Hospital staff, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the surgery was much more complicated than claimed. "It isn't easy to remove the media spotlight from that large of an ego," said a hospital orderly who assisted with the surgery.

Earlier attempts to repair Rodriguez's reputation by means of a half-hearted public apology were disastrous and nearly cost Rodriguez a number of endorsement contracts.

Rodriguez's and his ego are expected to make a full recovery.

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