CNN's Borger Says GOP Twits Have No Credibility

CNN Senior Political Analyst Gloria Borger reported today that Republican twits have no credibility.

In her article detailing President Obama's calm and professional leadership in the face of the Somali pirate standoff, she called possible 2012 presidential contender, serial divorcer and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich a twit for publicizing his opinion that "Obama is making a major mistake in not forcefully outlining the rules of civilization for dealing with pirates. We look weak."

Her article starkly contrasted Obama's professional demeanor and leadership with former President Bush's desperate attempts to be accepted as part of the military.  The clear implication was that by speaking without thinking, Gingrich was showing that he would lead more like Bush than Obama.

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NFL Asks Band Rednex to Change Name

Just because they named their latest single "Football is Our Religion" does not mean that the Swedish techno-country band Rednex are actually rednecks.

The band has turned down a request from the National Football League to change their name to the Pansies.

NFL sent a letter to Mary Joe (Annika Ljungberg) acknowledging that its request, at first blush, might appear "bizarre", but became necessary when NFL officials learned that the song was actually about soccer and not "real football."

But, by changing its name, the band could raise awareness of the lack of manly sports that Europeans must endure, the NFL said in its letter.

The trio, which was founded in 1994 and has since undergone many changes in its lineup, reproduced the NFL's letter in full on its MySpace page.

The musicians said they were "unable to agree" to the request "but we appreciate the publicity that this request provides."

The NFL said that is was pleased the Rednex had drawn attention to the issue by posting the request so prominently on the band's MySpace page.  "I just put 'Cotton-Eyed Joe' on my iPod to celebrate," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

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G20 Leaders Seal $1 Gajillion Deal With Dr. Evil

Prime Minister Gordon Brown said there was "no quick fix" for the world economy but there was a commitment to do whatever was necessary.

"This is the day that the world came together to fight back against Dr. Evil, not with words or deeds, but with buckets of cash," said Mr. Brown.

The deal was announced shortly before the European stock markets closed and gave leading indices a significant boost.  Unfortunately, investors quickly realized that Dr. Evil was only likely to invest in industries that would uphold the ethical standards of an evil empire and the markets tumbled.

On behalf of the G20, Mr. Brown announced the following steps:

• Bankers pay and bonuses will be subject to stricter controls unless the banker object
• A new Financial Stability Board will be set up to work with the IMF to provide an early panic mechanism for the financial system
• A common approach to hiding banks' toxic assets from public view
• The worlds poorest countries will receive sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads

A small group of protestors gathered earlier at the London Stock Exchange, but later dispersed when rumors that Starbucks was offering free Grande Soy Carmel Macchiatos to the first 50 protestors.

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Obama Wants High-Paying Job in Future

President Barack Obama fielded questions on jobs, legalization of marijuana, the auto industry, legalization of marijuana, universal health care, legalization of marijuana, mortgages, legalization of marijuana, the economic crisis, and legalization of marijuana as he kicked off a first-of-its-kind Internet era Town Hall at the White House.  Obama said job creation in America is difficult in a time of economic hardship, but was essential so that he could land a high-paying job after he left the presidency.

"Look. I didn't fight a tough campaign for the presidency just so I could end up earning minimum wage asking people if they want fries with that," said Obama.

Before the meeting got under way, the White House had gotten over 100,000 online questions, of which 95,000 were about legalization of marijuana. Nonetheless, Obama refused to commit to making the legalization of marijuana a cornerstone of his economic recovery plan.

"We need our economic stimulus to get people on their feet and growing the economy not sitting on the couch, eating Doritos and watching a South Park marathon," said Obama.

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Surgery Expected to Take A-Rod Out of Media Spotlight for 6-9 Weeks

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez underwent arthroscopic surgery Monday to repair his damaged reputation and remove the media spotlight that has been shining upon him for the last few weeks.  

Rodriguez has been caught up in a media frenzy spanning rumors of an affair with Madonna to revelations of illegal steroid use. "The surgery went exactly as we planned," said Dr. Baron Munchausen, who performed the 80-minute procedure in Vail, Colorado. "There is no doubt in our minds that this was the best option for Alex and for the Yankees."

Hospital staff, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the surgery was much more complicated than claimed. "It isn't easy to remove the media spotlight from that large of an ego," said a hospital orderly who assisted with the surgery.

Earlier attempts to repair Rodriguez's reputation by means of a half-hearted public apology were disastrous and nearly cost Rodriguez a number of endorsement contracts.

Rodriguez's and his ego are expected to make a full recovery.

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Utah Senate Stops Work to Make Anti-Gay Remarks

The Utah Senate stopped working for about two hours Monday as Republicans privately met to make comments that gay people don't have morals and that gay activists are among America's greatest threats.

Republican Sen. Chris Buttars of West Jordan said that gay people don't have any morals and he compared gay activists to radical Muslims, saying they're one of America's greatest threats.

Sen. Greg Bell said Monday he disagrees with at least one of Buttar's comments. "I think I could say that, to a person, everyone in our caucus supports traditional marriage. Many of us, however, feel that the tenor, the examples, some of the phrasing that Sen. Buttars used in his controversial comments, were intolerant and immoderate," Bell said. "I've met some perfectly fine Muslims."

"It was a venting process, in my judgement, and that's why it took the time it took," said Sen. Pete Knudson. "I think that's a healthy part of this whole situation, is that no one is being told what to think, no one is being told how to think, but they had their opportunity to express their disgust with gays, the gay lifestyle and the gay agenda and I think that was very, very good for the caucus."

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McCain: Stimulus Bill has too Much Stimulus

Senator John McCain says there's too much stimulus in the Obama administration's economic proposals to stimulate the economy.

The Arizona Republican and former presidential candidate also complains that the plan was too aggressive and should be scaled back just enough to allow the 2012 GOP nominee to attack Obama for not doing enough to restore the economy.

Interviewed Monday on CBS's "The Early Show," McCain said that after the economy recovers the U.S. should "be on a path to a republican administration."

Instead, he says, the Democrats' plan would burden future generations of Americans with economic prosperity.

He says it's time for both parties to sit down and negotiate. He says the Democrats need to cave into his party's demands for more tax cuts for the wealthy.

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