Republicans Choose First Black Scapegoat

Michael Steele, the former lieutenant governor of Maryland, was elected the chairman of the Republican National Committee on Friday as the party chose its first African-American scapegoat.

The election took six drawn-out ballots before they found their patsy.  President Bush's hand-picked incumbent chairman, Mike Duncan, showed strong early support as many members sought to continue to blame Bush for every bad thing that has happened to the party.

"Obviously, the R.N.C. blows," Mr. Duncan said.

Momentum shifted to Mr. Steele, when Ken Blackwell, the former Ohio secretary of state who was single-handedly responsible for manipulating the 2004 Presidential election in favor of Bush, endorsed Mr. Steele. "I endorsed Mr. Steele because of his strong conservative values and record of leadership," said Mr. Blackwell. "Also, regardless of whether the Republicans or Democrats win the next election, we'll be able to blame a black man."

Chip Saltsman of Tennessee had been gaining support on the popularity of his racist parody song entitled, "Barack the Magic Negro." However, he was forced to drop out of the race on the eve of the election when his ballot qualifications apparently "disappeared."

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Blowfish Testicle Article Sickens Millions

Blowfish testicles prepared by an unauthorized chef sickened seven diners in northern Japan, reported the Associated Press on Tuesday morning, causing millions of print and on-line readers to fall ill.

Blowfish, while extremely poisonous if not prepared properly, is considered a delicacy in Japan and is consumed by thrill-seeking gourmets. Conversely, there are few, if any, people who read news as a means of thrill-seeking.

Within minutes of publishing the story, hospitals across the U.S. were overrun with patients with complaints ranging from a general nausea to projectile vomiting.

A 68-year-old reader remained hospitalized in critical condition with dehydration after hurling repeatedly.

"It's scary. If you open a decent-looking newspaper or a reputable web site, you would assume that they have editors that screen stuff like that," said Gretchen Hurlburt. "Blowfish testicles? I could have lived a long, happy life not knowing that anyone would eat blowfish testicles. That's just ... ewww!"

The blowfish testicle article is the most nauseating news story to hit newsstands since 2004 when three million people fell ill and thousands vowed never to drink coffee again as a result of an Associated Press article on Kopi Luwak or Civet Coffee. Kopi Luwak is made from coffee beans that have been eaten and passed, whole, through the digestive tract of a civet cat and reportedly has a distinct odor and flavor.

Ewww!

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Blago Gone Loco

As Governor Rod Blagojevich's impeachment trial got underway Monday, the embattled governor hit the media circuit to make a public appeal to save his job.

Blagojevich appeared on ABC's "Good Morning America" and "The View" as well as CNN's "Larry King Live."

Blagojevich revealed for the first time his short list of potential candidates, including: Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jackson and Mr. Ed. "Oprah and Michael Jackson are filthy stinking rich, but we had to rule out Mr. Ed because he's a horse. Also he's dead," said Blagojevich on "The View."

Blagojevich also said he looks forward to the day when he can sell his story in full, so that people do not judge him solely by the profanity-laced recordings of bribery demands that have been released to the public.

"I'm not (bleeping) guilty of any (bleeping) criminal wrongdoing," Blagojevich told Larry King. "I'm (bleeping) entitled to a (bleeping) presumption of (bleeping) innocence."

Asked on "Larry King Live" about his foul mouth, Blagojevich said, "Had I know that someone was (bleeping) listening, I wouldn't have used that (bleeping) language.  For those who might have been offended, I (bleeping) apologize. Again, I didn't know you were (bleeping) listening."

In a statement released late on Monday, Blagojevich expressed his hope that Larry King director Randy Douthit would have a speedy recovery from the repetitive stress injury he experienced during Blagojevich's appearance on "Larry King Live."

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Sarah Palin May Be Shopping for a Book

If you thought being governor of Alaska and a new grandmother would be enough to fill the cold, dark nights of the Arctic State, you'd overestimate Sarah Palin, the failed vice presidential candidate.

In addition to galavanting around the nation speaking to every reporter who is willing to speak with her, and more than a few who'd really rather not, Palin has reportedly enlisted the services of Washington lawyer Robert Barnett to help her shop for a book.

Sources close to Palin could not explain why she would need the support of a lawyer to purchase a book or even why she might want to actually read a book. 

One unnamed source reportedly said that Palin had very specific criteria for the type of book she wanted including: 

• All the good characters had to be evangelical Christains
• All the bad characters had to be Muslims, minorities or socialists
• The bad characters had to realize the error of their ways and covert to Christianity, turn caucasian and become free market supporters
• Extra-marital sex was completely unacceptable, unless it was performed by minors who became pregnant and chose to keep the baby, and then it had to be "pure"
• Violence was OK as long as it was perpetrated on Muslims, minorities or socialists
• Not one of the books available in the Wasilla public library

Palin has been trying to stay in the spotlight, presumably with an eye on 2012, and having read a book could help give her the credibility that she lacked in 2008.

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Obama Takes Oath of Office Again

President Obama took the oath of office -- again -- on Wednesday, out of what a White House lawyer described as "an abundance of concern that no one was paying attention the first time."

The record crowd of 1.8 million people and more than 50 million people watching on television were lulled into a glassy-eyed stupor by the John Williams composition that was performed between the Vice Presidential and Presidential oaths.  The composition was performed by famed musicians Yo-Yo Ma, Itzhak Perlman, Gabriela Montero and Anthony McGill. 

A review of the video of the inauguration shows that the record crowd was strangely silent during Obama's oath of office and did not respond until cannons fired the 21-gun salute.

"We believe that the oath of office was administered effectively and the president was sworn in appropriately yesterday. But the oath appears in the Constitution itself and we believe that it needs to be witnessed. Out of an abundance of concern that no one was paying attention, Chief Justice Roberts administered the oath a second time," said White House Counsel Greg Craig in a statement issued early Wednesday night.

Obama was visibly perturbed that so many millions of people could have missed such a critical event.

"Are you ready to take the Oath?" Roberts asked.

"I was ready yesterday. Are you ready?" Obama replied.

The private swearing-in ceremony took 25 seconds according to White House pool reporters who witnessed the event.

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Fiat Apparently Buys Stake in Chrysler

Fiat executives awoke Wednesday to discover that they had apparently bought 35% of Chrysler Corporation.

Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli told stakeholders in a letter that this groundbreaking agreement would provide Chrysler with access to Fiat's line of popular, stylish and fuel-efficient vehicles and would bolster their case for receiving an additional $3 billion in federal bailout loans from the U.S. Treasury.

Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne was somewhat vague about the agreement. "All I remember is that Robert and I went to a, how do you say, gentlemen's club in Detroit. Bouzouki Club, I think. Next thing I know, I am waking up feeling sticky and hung over with a copy of a signed contract tucked into my underwear," said Marchionne. "Apparently, I own 35% of Chrysler and I have the right to increase my share to 55%. Why would I want to do that?"

Chrysler had reportedly been negotiating with a variety of potential partners, including GM and Nissan. Chrysler had not been successful in any of those merger attempts. 

Sources close to the negotiations said that Fiat met with Chrysler hoping to secure a deal comparable to the one that they negotiated with GM. In that deal, GM paid Fiat $2 billion to not merge with them.

Cal Barbee, of Barbee Chrysler Dodge Jeep in Medina, Ohio said the blending of the product lines would help both sides. "Long as we re-name them Chryslers, I have no problem selling them Fiats on our showroom floor," said Barbee. "Plus we've got a couple hundred minivans and SUVs we can send to Rome or wherever tomorrow."

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Cheney Injures Back, Decides to Stay Put

Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back while moving on Tuesday and has decided to just "stay put" White House press secretary Dana Perino said.

Cheney was reportedly moving the person-sized safe that is rumored to hold Cheney's personal records as well as millions of "lost" White House emails when he injured his back.

His doctor recommended that he remain in a wheelchair and also hire someone to move his things for him.

Cheney, however, had other plans. "The Vice President is looking forward to remaining in office for four more years," said Perino Tuesday night.

Elizabeth Alexander, spokesperson for Joe Biden said, "He can't do that! He has to leave. Now!"

Cheney reportedly extended an olive branch to Biden. "He's invited Vice President Biden to go quail hunting as soon as his back is healed," said Perino.

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