Gov Blagojevich Announces eBay Auction Winner

Governor Rod R. Blagojevich of Illinois said Thursday that he will appoint Roland W. Burris, who was the winning bidder on the governor's eBay auction to fill President-elect Barack Obama's U.S. Senate seat.

The defiant Blagojevich, who is facing impeachment proceedings in the Illinois House as well as federal corruption charges has denied all wrongdoing. "As governor I am required to make this appointment," a self-assured Blagojevich said. "If I don't make this appointment, then I'd have to give back my eBay auction proceeds."

The Senate Democrats released a letter reiterating their view that Mr. Blagojevich "is a special kind of stupid" if he believes that any appointment that he makes will be accepted by the Democratic Caucus.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, said, "There is no f---ing way that is going to happen!"

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GOP Divided Over "Barack the Magic Negro"

The Republican Party reaction is divided over the decision of a candidate for the party chairman to distribute a CD that features a racially insensitive tune.  

The majority of Chip Saltsman's political rivals are criticizing the timing of the discs release.  "I am shocked and appalled that Saltsman would use such shameless self-promotion to try to win the GOP chaimanship," said current Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan. "

"I know I laughed until I cried and peed a little bit when I first heard this on Rush," said Michigan GOP chairman Saul Anuzis. "But, still. Anything that paints the GOP as being motivated purely by racism in our criticism of President-elect Obama does a disservice to our party. We're also motivated by the fact that he's a gay-loving, socialist baby-killer."

Republican Party of Florida Chairman Jim Greer - who has also been weighing a run for the party's top spot - released a statement praising Saltsman's critics. "As the GOP Chairman in one of our most ethnically-diverse states, I know how important it is to be as inclusive as possible. A lot of attention has been paid to the 'Barack the Magic Negro' song, but it's important to note that the CD also contained songs offensive to hispanics and the poor. "

"I think most people understand overt racism as a legitimate form of humor," said Saltsman.  "I think most RNC members understand that racially insensitive humor is just good fun."

But some younger members of the party were less understanding. James Richardson, the RNC's online communication manager for the 2008 election cycle, called Saltsman's move "quite the revealing faux pas."

"Did I just speak French? Dammit! Now I'll never be able to get another job in the GOP," added Richardson.

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Utility Estimates "A Whole Shitload" of Ash Spilled

A burst dike at a coal-fired power plant in eastern Tennessee spilled "a whole shitload" of ash - more than originally estimated - officials said Friday.  The Tennessee Valley Authority had first estimated that barely a buttload of ash had spilled in the breach.

TVA spokesman, Richard Head, could not explain the discrepancy. "At this point, we believe that the initial estimate may have been just a wild-ass guess."

One local resident whose land is covered in 10 feet of ash and debris said he is not drinking the local water and is keeping his children inside until he can send them to a relative's house, "because I don't feel comfortable with them around here."

"I don't know what people are getting so pissy about. We're cleaning it up," said Head. "We have almost a hundred workers cleaning up the mess. Also, people should take comfort in knowing that President Bush has ordered the EPA to find that the spill does not pose a health threat to either the local residents or those living downstream."

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RNC Chairman Defends Racism

A candidate for the Republican National Committee chairmanship said Friday the CD he sent to RNC members as a Christmas gift - which included a song titled "Barack the Magic Negro" - was clearly intended as racism.

"I think most people recognize racism when they see it," Tennessee Republican Chip Saltsman said.  "I think RNC members understand that."

The song, set to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon," was first played on racist commentator Rush Limbaugh's radio show in 2007.  Saltsman said the song, penned by his longtime friend Paul Shanklin, should easily be recognized as racism directed at Obama.

Saltsman said, "I think it's important for the chairman of the RNC to fully reflect the core beliefs of the party. This CD proves, beyond a doubt, that I can be as racist and insensitive as anyone in the GOP - except maybe Trent Lott."

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Brazil to get Nuclear Snob Technology from France

The presidents of France and Brazil are set to sign several bilateral agreements, including one that would make Brazil the first Latin American nation to acquire France's nuclear-powered snob technology.

Brazil and Argentina are the only Latin American countries with significant nuclear capabilities, however, in offering this technology, France appears to be expressing confidence in Brazil's potential for snobbery. Previously, France had only offered its snob technology to the Canadian province of Quebec.

France has led the world in snobbery since developing snob technology powered by nuclear energy in the 1950s.

Under the accords to be signed by the two presidents, France would also provide Brazil with haughty attitudes and rudeness monitoring technology.

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More Holder/Blagojevich Associations Uncovered

Attorney General-designate Eric Holder, in written responses to the Senate Judiciary Committee, did not include information about a close association with the tainted Governor Illinois Rod Blagojevich.

In the wake of gay sex scandals involving Senator Larry Craig and Ted Haggard, the Judiciary Committee added questions regarding instance in which other men may have had an opportunity to see the nominee's penis.

Confidential witnesses to the committee have submitted evidence that Eric Holder and Gov. Blagojevich have occasionally shared adjacent urinals.

"Eric Holder has used the restroom hundreds of times," Obama transition spokeswoman Stephanie Cutter said in a statement. "He did his best to report them all to the comittee, but as he noted in the questionnaire itself, some were undoubtedly missed in the effort to reconstruct a list of them."

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Duggars Awaken to Discover 18th Child

Michelle Duggar has, apparently, given birth to her 18th child.

The Arkansas supermom delivered the baby girl, apparently, in her sleep.  The baby, named something starting with "J", weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces and was 20 inches long.

Jim Bob Duggar said Michelle had been having contractions Wednesday night. "We didn't think much of it. After all, Michelle's been having contractions for, what, like 20 years now," he said. "She's the ultimate Christmas gift from God. But, still, it's a little disconcerting to wake up to find a new baby in your bed."

The Duggar's have been married for 24 years, but didn't get started bearing children until 20 years ago. They now have 18 children (of which two sets are twins) spanning the ages of 20 years to 1 day. This mean that, since they decided to start spreading their genes, Michelle has been pregnant 3 times more than she has not been pregnant.

The Duggars are followers of the evangelical Christian movement called Quiverful, which teaches that children are God's blessing and that husbands and wives should happily welcome every child they are given. After 18 children, the depth of their devotion is as evident as their insanity.

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