Republicans Choose First Black Scapegoat

Michael Steele, the former lieutenant governor of Maryland, was elected the chairman of the Republican National Committee on Friday as the party chose its first African-American scapegoat.

The election took six drawn-out ballots before they found their patsy.  President Bush's hand-picked incumbent chairman, Mike Duncan, showed strong early support as many members sought to continue to blame Bush for every bad thing that has happened to the party.

"Obviously, the R.N.C. blows," Mr. Duncan said.

Momentum shifted to Mr. Steele, when Ken Blackwell, the former Ohio secretary of state who was single-handedly responsible for manipulating the 2004 Presidential election in favor of Bush, endorsed Mr. Steele. "I endorsed Mr. Steele because of his strong conservative values and record of leadership," said Mr. Blackwell. "Also, regardless of whether the Republicans or Democrats win the next election, we'll be able to blame a black man."

Chip Saltsman of Tennessee had been gaining support on the popularity of his racist parody song entitled, "Barack the Magic Negro." However, he was forced to drop out of the race on the eve of the election when his ballot qualifications apparently "disappeared."

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Blowfish Testicle Article Sickens Millions

Blowfish testicles prepared by an unauthorized chef sickened seven diners in northern Japan, reported the Associated Press on Tuesday morning, causing millions of print and on-line readers to fall ill.

Blowfish, while extremely poisonous if not prepared properly, is considered a delicacy in Japan and is consumed by thrill-seeking gourmets. Conversely, there are few, if any, people who read news as a means of thrill-seeking.

Within minutes of publishing the story, hospitals across the U.S. were overrun with patients with complaints ranging from a general nausea to projectile vomiting.

A 68-year-old reader remained hospitalized in critical condition with dehydration after hurling repeatedly.

"It's scary. If you open a decent-looking newspaper or a reputable web site, you would assume that they have editors that screen stuff like that," said Gretchen Hurlburt. "Blowfish testicles? I could have lived a long, happy life not knowing that anyone would eat blowfish testicles. That's just ... ewww!"

The blowfish testicle article is the most nauseating news story to hit newsstands since 2004 when three million people fell ill and thousands vowed never to drink coffee again as a result of an Associated Press article on Kopi Luwak or Civet Coffee. Kopi Luwak is made from coffee beans that have been eaten and passed, whole, through the digestive tract of a civet cat and reportedly has a distinct odor and flavor.

Ewww!

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Blago Gone Loco

As Governor Rod Blagojevich's impeachment trial got underway Monday, the embattled governor hit the media circuit to make a public appeal to save his job.

Blagojevich appeared on ABC's "Good Morning America" and "The View" as well as CNN's "Larry King Live."

Blagojevich revealed for the first time his short list of potential candidates, including: Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jackson and Mr. Ed. "Oprah and Michael Jackson are filthy stinking rich, but we had to rule out Mr. Ed because he's a horse. Also he's dead," said Blagojevich on "The View."

Blagojevich also said he looks forward to the day when he can sell his story in full, so that people do not judge him solely by the profanity-laced recordings of bribery demands that have been released to the public.

"I'm not (bleeping) guilty of any (bleeping) criminal wrongdoing," Blagojevich told Larry King. "I'm (bleeping) entitled to a (bleeping) presumption of (bleeping) innocence."

Asked on "Larry King Live" about his foul mouth, Blagojevich said, "Had I know that someone was (bleeping) listening, I wouldn't have used that (bleeping) language.  For those who might have been offended, I (bleeping) apologize. Again, I didn't know you were (bleeping) listening."

In a statement released late on Monday, Blagojevich expressed his hope that Larry King director Randy Douthit would have a speedy recovery from the repetitive stress injury he experienced during Blagojevich's appearance on "Larry King Live."

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Sarah Palin May Be Shopping for a Book

If you thought being governor of Alaska and a new grandmother would be enough to fill the cold, dark nights of the Arctic State, you'd overestimate Sarah Palin, the failed vice presidential candidate.

In addition to galavanting around the nation speaking to every reporter who is willing to speak with her, and more than a few who'd really rather not, Palin has reportedly enlisted the services of Washington lawyer Robert Barnett to help her shop for a book.

Sources close to Palin could not explain why she would need the support of a lawyer to purchase a book or even why she might want to actually read a book. 

One unnamed source reportedly said that Palin had very specific criteria for the type of book she wanted including: 

• All the good characters had to be evangelical Christains
• All the bad characters had to be Muslims, minorities or socialists
• The bad characters had to realize the error of their ways and covert to Christianity, turn caucasian and become free market supporters
• Extra-marital sex was completely unacceptable, unless it was performed by minors who became pregnant and chose to keep the baby, and then it had to be "pure"
• Violence was OK as long as it was perpetrated on Muslims, minorities or socialists
• Not one of the books available in the Wasilla public library

Palin has been trying to stay in the spotlight, presumably with an eye on 2012, and having read a book could help give her the credibility that she lacked in 2008.

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Obama Takes Oath of Office Again

President Obama took the oath of office -- again -- on Wednesday, out of what a White House lawyer described as "an abundance of concern that no one was paying attention the first time."

The record crowd of 1.8 million people and more than 50 million people watching on television were lulled into a glassy-eyed stupor by the John Williams composition that was performed between the Vice Presidential and Presidential oaths.  The composition was performed by famed musicians Yo-Yo Ma, Itzhak Perlman, Gabriela Montero and Anthony McGill. 

A review of the video of the inauguration shows that the record crowd was strangely silent during Obama's oath of office and did not respond until cannons fired the 21-gun salute.

"We believe that the oath of office was administered effectively and the president was sworn in appropriately yesterday. But the oath appears in the Constitution itself and we believe that it needs to be witnessed. Out of an abundance of concern that no one was paying attention, Chief Justice Roberts administered the oath a second time," said White House Counsel Greg Craig in a statement issued early Wednesday night.

Obama was visibly perturbed that so many millions of people could have missed such a critical event.

"Are you ready to take the Oath?" Roberts asked.

"I was ready yesterday. Are you ready?" Obama replied.

The private swearing-in ceremony took 25 seconds according to White House pool reporters who witnessed the event.

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Fiat Apparently Buys Stake in Chrysler

Fiat executives awoke Wednesday to discover that they had apparently bought 35% of Chrysler Corporation.

Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli told stakeholders in a letter that this groundbreaking agreement would provide Chrysler with access to Fiat's line of popular, stylish and fuel-efficient vehicles and would bolster their case for receiving an additional $3 billion in federal bailout loans from the U.S. Treasury.

Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne was somewhat vague about the agreement. "All I remember is that Robert and I went to a, how do you say, gentlemen's club in Detroit. Bouzouki Club, I think. Next thing I know, I am waking up feeling sticky and hung over with a copy of a signed contract tucked into my underwear," said Marchionne. "Apparently, I own 35% of Chrysler and I have the right to increase my share to 55%. Why would I want to do that?"

Chrysler had reportedly been negotiating with a variety of potential partners, including GM and Nissan. Chrysler had not been successful in any of those merger attempts. 

Sources close to the negotiations said that Fiat met with Chrysler hoping to secure a deal comparable to the one that they negotiated with GM. In that deal, GM paid Fiat $2 billion to not merge with them.

Cal Barbee, of Barbee Chrysler Dodge Jeep in Medina, Ohio said the blending of the product lines would help both sides. "Long as we re-name them Chryslers, I have no problem selling them Fiats on our showroom floor," said Barbee. "Plus we've got a couple hundred minivans and SUVs we can send to Rome or wherever tomorrow."

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Cheney Injures Back, Decides to Stay Put

Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back while moving on Tuesday and has decided to just "stay put" White House press secretary Dana Perino said.

Cheney was reportedly moving the person-sized safe that is rumored to hold Cheney's personal records as well as millions of "lost" White House emails when he injured his back.

His doctor recommended that he remain in a wheelchair and also hire someone to move his things for him.

Cheney, however, had other plans. "The Vice President is looking forward to remaining in office for four more years," said Perino Tuesday night.

Elizabeth Alexander, spokesperson for Joe Biden said, "He can't do that! He has to leave. Now!"

Cheney reportedly extended an olive branch to Biden. "He's invited Vice President Biden to go quail hunting as soon as his back is healed," said Perino.

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Circuit City to be Liquidated for Insolence

Bankrupt electronics retailer Circuit City Inc. said Friday it will close its remaining 567 U.S. stores and sell all its merchandise.

"We are extremely disappointed by this outcome. They were insolent and so we had to have them liquidated," said Sid Horowitz, who represented Circuit City's main creditors.

James Marcum, acting CEO for Circuit City said "We were unable to reach an agreement with our creditors and lenders to structure a going-concern transaction in the limited timeframe available."

"See," said Horowitz. "What the f*** does that mean?"

Circuit City wasn't a viable business in its business model in which surly customer service was paired with mediocre pricing.  "You need to have a service model that differentiates you from the competition and keeps pace with the changing needs of the consumer," said Chip Watts of the Electronics Consumer Federation, and industry advocacy group. "Unfortunately, Circuit City chose to differentiate themselves by being insolent and driving their remaining customers to low price leaders like Wal-Mart or service leaders like Best Buy."

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US Airways Jet Attacked by Canadian Geese

Homeland Security investigators are pursuing early indications that a sleeper cell of Canadian Geese attacked a US Airways jet shortly after taking off.

Bush administration officials immediately said that there was no way that anyone could have suspected that geese could cause such damage to an aircraft.  However, since 2000, at least 486 planes have been damaged by so-called bird strikes, according to the records of the Federal Aviation Administration.  In 166 of those cases, the planes were forced to make emergency landings, and 66 led to aborted takeoffs.

Homeland Security officials, who asked not to be named, voiced suspicions that the suicide attack may have been the work of Al Qaeda. The suicide attack seems to fit Al Qaeda's pattern of returning to targets that they have tried to strike without success in the past.

Terrorism expert Dr. Alexander Bode, Executive Director of the Ohio State Homeland Institute of Technology (OSHIT), said that it was possible that the suicide attackers may have been activated by a coded message in the Osama bin Laden's taped audio message that was released Wednesday. "The overt message called on Muslims everywhere to fight Israel in a holy war, but when you play the message backwards at half speed, you can clearly hear Celine Dion's cover of 'You Shook Me All Night Long'," said Dr. Bode. "Our research has shown that this song is one of the most effective triggers for launching a suicide attack."

Homeland Security officials have been criticized for their inability to stop Canadian Geese from freely traveling across the border between the U.S. and Canada forcing citizens to resort to vigilante justice to protect their homes from the invading fowl.  Each year some 1.8 million private citizens spend $1.3 billion protecting themselves from waterfowl invasions from Canada, according to statistics from the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service.

Predator B aircraft have been patrolling the skies over North Dakota since early December. However Sen. Charles Schumer, D-NY questioned the Bush administration's decision to deploy the aircraft to North Dakota "instead of somewhere that's actually worth protecting."  Sen. Schumer promised that the matter would be thoroughly investigated. "It would be truly sad if we could not keep our nation safe from Canadian geese," said Schumer.  

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GOP Tells Bush to Mind His Own F***ing Business

In response to President Bush calling for a "compassionate" Republican Party and warning against the GOP becoming "anti-immigrant", GOP leaders told Bush to "mind his own f***ing business."

"It's very important for our party not to narrow its focus, not to become so inward-looking that we drive people away from a philosophy that is compassionate and decent," the president said in a Fox News interview.

"Who does he think he is? We spend eight years dutifully following him and that Cheney bastard. And it turned out that he led us off a cliff," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY. "Forget the damage to the country, it's going to take 20 years to repair the damage he's caused the GOP."

"I can't see the GOP picking up a seat or having a significant voice in the legislative process in the foreseeable future," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-OH. "Our only hope now is to appeal to the shattered core of the conservative base - the racists, the warmongers and the evangelical nutcases. Let me tell you, there is no room for compassion or decency in that coalition."

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Hard Times Change Super Bowl Ads

An estimated 100 million people watch the Super Bowl each year, many of them to see the ads as much as the game.  

And while the big game still maintains its aura of hype and glitz, the economic crisis continues to impact its traditional advertisers. Major advertisers such as FedEx and General Motors have already opted out for this year and others are expected to follow suit.

The lower demand for Super Bowl advertising has dramatically reduced the rates that NBC has been able to charge, thereby allowing some unlikely advertisers to buy in.

New to this year's Super Bowl advertising roundup are the Mesothelioma Legal Support Institute and the Bedazzler.  NBC has denied reports that Billy Mays is choreographing an interpretive dance based on Mighty Putty for the half-time show.

Many familiar names will also be advertising during this year's Super Bowl, including Coca-Cola, Monster Worldwide, GoDaddy.com and Bridgestone Tires. CareerBuilder had been anticipated to advertise, but a spokesman said that continuing internal restructuring may lead to their withdrawl. 

Sources, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that CareerBuilder was strongly considering changing its name to BarelyGettingBy. NBC refused to comment.

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Bush to Make Marinara Sauce a National Monument

President Bush established the largest culinary reserve ever when he designated Italian restaurants in Boston, New York and Philadelphia as national monuments, administration officials said.

The new Marinara Sauce monuments include such famous restaurants as Cantina Italiana in Boston, Cacio E Vino in New York and Dante & Luigi's in Philadelphia.

"These locations are truly among the last pristine restaurants in the culinary environment on Earth," said James Pepperman, head of the adminstration's Council on Culinary Quality.

However, not everyone is happy with the move.

"We feel the monument is not based on science and is merely a feel-good attempt by the administration to leave some sort of legacy behind," said Fotis Papadopoulos of the Hellenic Culinary Association. Administration officials denied the accusations of culinary bias.

On the condition of anonymity, a white house employee said that the president was "stoned out of his skull and got the munchies. The next thing we know he's screaming at us to create a monument to marinara sauce, of all things."

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City of Sin Offers Threesome Getaway

The Deal: Round-trip airfare on Virgin America Airlines, two night's accommodations, two included escorts, and all taxes and condom surcharges, from $169 per person.

When: Through Oct. 31, 2009

The Fine Print: Based on Sunday and Monday departures only; the rates will be slightly higher on other days. Use promo code 3SOME. Based on double occupancy with one escort per night. Single occupancy rates are higher.

Why It's a Deal: Airfare from San Francisco to Las Vegas is likely to cost at least $133. For only $36 more per person, you get serviced by one of Sin City's finest escorts and lodging at the Rock Hard Hotel & Casino.

Before You Go: Transfers are not included; you can catch a shuttle to the Strip for $6 one way. And remember - What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

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Choice of Steve Jobs to Head CIA Puzzles Experts

Apple CEO, Steven P. Jobs, might face a mission impossible should he win Senate confirmation as the new head of the Central Intelligence Agency, a clandestine government service battered by years of controversy and facing demands for reform.

The reported selection of Jobs, 53, who is CEO of Apple and is Disney's largest shareholder, caused a flurry of head-scratching among former intelligence operatives and policy analysts mainly because Jobs has no real experience in either government or foreign policy.

"I was not informed about the selection of Steve Jobs to be the CIA director," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-CA, who will chair the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence and Sneakiness in the 111th Congress. "I mean, Steve Jobs? Where the f*** did that come from?"

"Kind of a mystifying pick, isn't it? There's just no experience there that suggests he has any ... I mean, what the f***? Steve Jobs heading the CIA," said Michael Umbrage. "I mean, you'd like to give the president the benefit of the doubt. And there probably aren't a lot of talented Americans in either party that want to be the head of the CIA. But, Steve Jobs?"

Mr. Jobs anticipated some of the criticisms of his selection at his press conference. "The cure for the CIA is to innovate its way out of its current predicament," said Jobs. "Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn't matter to me ... Going to bed at night saying we've done something wonderful ... that's what matters to me."

When asked about what aspects of high Apple leadership style he intended to bring to the CIA, Job replied, "Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected. We're here to put a dent in the universe. Otherwise why else even be here."

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