Obama Wants High-Paying Job in Future

President Barack Obama fielded questions on jobs, legalization of marijuana, the auto industry, legalization of marijuana, universal health care, legalization of marijuana, mortgages, legalization of marijuana, the economic crisis, and legalization of marijuana as he kicked off a first-of-its-kind Internet era Town Hall at the White House.  Obama said job creation in America is difficult in a time of economic hardship, but was essential so that he could land a high-paying job after he left the presidency.

"Look. I didn't fight a tough campaign for the presidency just so I could end up earning minimum wage asking people if they want fries with that," said Obama.

Before the meeting got under way, the White House had gotten over 100,000 online questions, of which 95,000 were about legalization of marijuana. Nonetheless, Obama refused to commit to making the legalization of marijuana a cornerstone of his economic recovery plan.

"We need our economic stimulus to get people on their feet and growing the economy not sitting on the couch, eating Doritos and watching a South Park marathon," said Obama.

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Surgery Expected to Take A-Rod Out of Media Spotlight for 6-9 Weeks

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez underwent arthroscopic surgery Monday to repair his damaged reputation and remove the media spotlight that has been shining upon him for the last few weeks.  

Rodriguez has been caught up in a media frenzy spanning rumors of an affair with Madonna to revelations of illegal steroid use. "The surgery went exactly as we planned," said Dr. Baron Munchausen, who performed the 80-minute procedure in Vail, Colorado. "There is no doubt in our minds that this was the best option for Alex and for the Yankees."

Hospital staff, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the surgery was much more complicated than claimed. "It isn't easy to remove the media spotlight from that large of an ego," said a hospital orderly who assisted with the surgery.

Earlier attempts to repair Rodriguez's reputation by means of a half-hearted public apology were disastrous and nearly cost Rodriguez a number of endorsement contracts.

Rodriguez's and his ego are expected to make a full recovery.

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Utah Senate Stops Work to Make Anti-Gay Remarks

The Utah Senate stopped working for about two hours Monday as Republicans privately met to make comments that gay people don't have morals and that gay activists are among America's greatest threats.

Republican Sen. Chris Buttars of West Jordan said that gay people don't have any morals and he compared gay activists to radical Muslims, saying they're one of America's greatest threats.

Sen. Greg Bell said Monday he disagrees with at least one of Buttar's comments. "I think I could say that, to a person, everyone in our caucus supports traditional marriage. Many of us, however, feel that the tenor, the examples, some of the phrasing that Sen. Buttars used in his controversial comments, were intolerant and immoderate," Bell said. "I've met some perfectly fine Muslims."

"It was a venting process, in my judgement, and that's why it took the time it took," said Sen. Pete Knudson. "I think that's a healthy part of this whole situation, is that no one is being told what to think, no one is being told how to think, but they had their opportunity to express their disgust with gays, the gay lifestyle and the gay agenda and I think that was very, very good for the caucus."

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McCain: Stimulus Bill has too Much Stimulus

Senator John McCain says there's too much stimulus in the Obama administration's economic proposals to stimulate the economy.

The Arizona Republican and former presidential candidate also complains that the plan was too aggressive and should be scaled back just enough to allow the 2012 GOP nominee to attack Obama for not doing enough to restore the economy.

Interviewed Monday on CBS's "The Early Show," McCain said that after the economy recovers the U.S. should "be on a path to a republican administration."

Instead, he says, the Democrats' plan would burden future generations of Americans with economic prosperity.

He says it's time for both parties to sit down and negotiate. He says the Democrats need to cave into his party's demands for more tax cuts for the wealthy.

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Republicans Choose First Black Scapegoat

Michael Steele, the former lieutenant governor of Maryland, was elected the chairman of the Republican National Committee on Friday as the party chose its first African-American scapegoat.

The election took six drawn-out ballots before they found their patsy.  President Bush's hand-picked incumbent chairman, Mike Duncan, showed strong early support as many members sought to continue to blame Bush for every bad thing that has happened to the party.

"Obviously, the R.N.C. blows," Mr. Duncan said.

Momentum shifted to Mr. Steele, when Ken Blackwell, the former Ohio secretary of state who was single-handedly responsible for manipulating the 2004 Presidential election in favor of Bush, endorsed Mr. Steele. "I endorsed Mr. Steele because of his strong conservative values and record of leadership," said Mr. Blackwell. "Also, regardless of whether the Republicans or Democrats win the next election, we'll be able to blame a black man."

Chip Saltsman of Tennessee had been gaining support on the popularity of his racist parody song entitled, "Barack the Magic Negro." However, he was forced to drop out of the race on the eve of the election when his ballot qualifications apparently "disappeared."

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Blowfish Testicle Article Sickens Millions

Blowfish testicles prepared by an unauthorized chef sickened seven diners in northern Japan, reported the Associated Press on Tuesday morning, causing millions of print and on-line readers to fall ill.

Blowfish, while extremely poisonous if not prepared properly, is considered a delicacy in Japan and is consumed by thrill-seeking gourmets. Conversely, there are few, if any, people who read news as a means of thrill-seeking.

Within minutes of publishing the story, hospitals across the U.S. were overrun with patients with complaints ranging from a general nausea to projectile vomiting.

A 68-year-old reader remained hospitalized in critical condition with dehydration after hurling repeatedly.

"It's scary. If you open a decent-looking newspaper or a reputable web site, you would assume that they have editors that screen stuff like that," said Gretchen Hurlburt. "Blowfish testicles? I could have lived a long, happy life not knowing that anyone would eat blowfish testicles. That's just ... ewww!"

The blowfish testicle article is the most nauseating news story to hit newsstands since 2004 when three million people fell ill and thousands vowed never to drink coffee again as a result of an Associated Press article on Kopi Luwak or Civet Coffee. Kopi Luwak is made from coffee beans that have been eaten and passed, whole, through the digestive tract of a civet cat and reportedly has a distinct odor and flavor.

Ewww!

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Blago Gone Loco

As Governor Rod Blagojevich's impeachment trial got underway Monday, the embattled governor hit the media circuit to make a public appeal to save his job.

Blagojevich appeared on ABC's "Good Morning America" and "The View" as well as CNN's "Larry King Live."

Blagojevich revealed for the first time his short list of potential candidates, including: Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jackson and Mr. Ed. "Oprah and Michael Jackson are filthy stinking rich, but we had to rule out Mr. Ed because he's a horse. Also he's dead," said Blagojevich on "The View."

Blagojevich also said he looks forward to the day when he can sell his story in full, so that people do not judge him solely by the profanity-laced recordings of bribery demands that have been released to the public.

"I'm not (bleeping) guilty of any (bleeping) criminal wrongdoing," Blagojevich told Larry King. "I'm (bleeping) entitled to a (bleeping) presumption of (bleeping) innocence."

Asked on "Larry King Live" about his foul mouth, Blagojevich said, "Had I know that someone was (bleeping) listening, I wouldn't have used that (bleeping) language.  For those who might have been offended, I (bleeping) apologize. Again, I didn't know you were (bleeping) listening."

In a statement released late on Monday, Blagojevich expressed his hope that Larry King director Randy Douthit would have a speedy recovery from the repetitive stress injury he experienced during Blagojevich's appearance on "Larry King Live."

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