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Saturday, November 29, 2008

Bunny, Energizer Holdings to End Sponsor Deal

The Energizer Bunny and Energizer Holdings, Inc. have agreed to end their endorsement deal after 20 years at the end of the year, the hare and the major battery manufacturer announced Monday.

The decision comes as U.S. battery manufacturers face significant uncertainty with retail sales of annoying electronic toys in rapid decline and while frustration with Bunny's endorsement of Duracell batteries in Europe and Australia has been on the rise.

The endorsement contract, reported to pay Bunny $7 million a year, was due to expire at the end of 2008.

Bunny has been featured in advertisements of Energizer Batteries throughout North America, recently saving the eastern U.S. when a power plant fails after an unfortunate coffee-spilling accident. 

Energizer Holdings officials were reported to be frustrated with the popularity of Bunny's more risque Duracell commercials in Europe. 

"I am very proud of the long standing partnership I've had with Energizer Holdings and have enjoyed being part of the company's dramatic product evolution.  We've had a lot of fun together," Bunny said in a statement.

"Bunny has been a great friend to Energizer Holdings and a fantastic asset through the years," said an Energizer spokesperson.  "The timing of this decision and those other activities is purely coincidental."
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Thursday, November 27, 2008

A Heartwarming (True!) Holiday Story

Thanksgiving went pretty well, at least until the geysering started. 

I know what you're thinking, geysers are not a traditional part of the thanksgiving celebration. This is true even in San Francisco where all manner of non-traditional activities are woven into the fabric of society. Because, really, when you're staring at a geyser, it's a little difficult to think of things to be thankful for. It's true that the geysers in Yellowstone are awe-inspiring. Although, I have to admit that Old Faithful was somewhat less awe-inspiring than I had been built up in my mind. But I am quite certain that while gazing at Old Faithful I was not overcome with a wave of thankfulness. 

So, as I watched the geyser I found it difficult to think of things to be thankful for. Particularly when the geyser is your house that you moved into less than a week previous. I suppose I might be thankful that the geyser is in the kitchen and not in the bathroom. And I suppose I might be thankful that the geysering started after dinner and not before. But really, a geyser is not the type of sight that inspires thoughts of thankfulness.

I guess that I would be thankful that I was able to clean all of the dishes before the geysering started. The roasting pan for the turkey. The pot for mashed potatoes. The vegetable steamer and sauté pan for the glazed carrots. The food processor for the cranberry dressing. The pan for the gravy. Not to mention the serving dishes for each and our various plates and utensils. Unfortunately, the geysering started just as the dishwasher was full of dirty dishes and every horizontal surface in the kitchen was stacked with the flotsam leftover from our tradition of over-doing thanksgiving.

As I stood in front of the kitchen sink watching a geyser rise up from the bowels of our new home, I was not feeling thankful. However, in retrospect I find many things to be thankful for. I am thankful that the geyser was not so tall as to hit the ceiling. I'm thankful that the geyser was not so wide as to spray out of the sink. I'm thankful that the geyser was of sufficiently short duration that the sink was able to hold all of its contents. I'm also thankful for paper plates, plastic utensils and Chinese take-out.

As to whether we'll keep the thanksgiving geyser as part of our tradition, I'll have to wait until next year to say for sure. But I'll be thankful if it's not.

(c) Copyright 2003 All Rights Reserved

Feds, in Major Shift, Flush Cash Down Toilet

This week's move by the Treasury and Federal Reserve to inject another $800 billion into the financial opens yet another chapter in the government's continually evolving response to the financial crisis.

Add one more acronym to the alphabet soup of financial rescue programs: zero interest loans can't hurt, or ZILCH.  But ZILCH is not just another bailout program.

ZILCH represents a major shift in the Fed's monetary policy along with an effort to streamline governmental efficiency. The central bank has run out of room to lower interest rates, and banks are just hoarding the cash that they've already received from the Treasury.  So the Fed is bypassing the banking system entirely and pumping cash directly into the New York City sewer system to try to revive economic growth.

So far it is hard to tell whether it is working.  Apparently, the cash gets so soggy and nasty that local merchants are reluctant to accept it as payment.  

"There are bound to be some unanticipated consequences of any program that we implement. We are economic experts, not plumbers.  Does anyone really understand what happens when ...  The point is that we have to keep trying until we find something that works. Right now, we have ZILCH, if ZILCH doesn't work, we'll try something else," said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke.
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Big 3 Scale Back Glitz at Fresno Auto Show

GM, Ford and Chrysler are still showing off their newest vehicles at the Fresno Auto Show, but their new car displays are overshadowed by massive displays of their used vehicles as well as an amazing array of new models and concepts from the Asian and European companies that are eager to take a portion of the U.S. market share.

Casting a shadow on the annual event's glitz was the presence of Bernie McClowsky of Bernie's Gently Used Cars on North Abby Street.  McClowsky was doing his best to sell off his inventory of crappy American iron, but most attendees of the show seemed to be repulsed by his pallid visage and aura of cigarette smoke and cheap cologne.  

Normally, GM, Ford and Chrysler would have had a stronger presence at the show, unveiling their latest lame attempts to keep up with the rapidly moving market preferences by introducing even larger and less fuel-efficient SUVs and trucks.

"Quite frankly, I applaud them," said Al Castignetti, a Nissan vice president. "They are in survival mode, and if I were in survival mode I'd do the same damn thing, except that pre-owned Nissans don't suck like that Pontiac Aztek over there."  

"The auto show gave us some some flak, 'You should do an unveiling' they said," Chrysler spokesman Scott Brown said. "Why?"

BMW's MINI brand started the show a day early by showing off an all-electric version of its incredibly cool cars.  More than 10,000 people have already inquired about leasing one of the 450 test cars that will hit the road in California, New York and New Jersey next year.
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Amy Winehouse Hospitalized for Drug Reaction

Troubled singer Amy Winehouse has been admitted to a London hospital after suffering a bad reaction to drugs, her representative said Tuesday.

"We're pretty sure it was a combination of heroin, cocaine, crystal meth and ecstasy," Winehouse spokesman Chris Goodman said.  Goodman said the rumors of marijuana, vodka, and Tylenol PM were "dirty, filthy lies."

Witnesses called the Winehouse reaction "the most spectacular celebrity drug incident since Richard Pryor burst into flames and ran down the streets of Northridge California."

The Grammy-winning Winehouse has suffered a string of "health problems" including: spending the year 2005 drinking, using drugs, suffering violent mood swings and losing weight; her 2006 free fall into addiction; her hospitalization in 2007 for an overdose of heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, ketamine and alcohol; in 2008, she was diagnosed with emphysema and irregular heartbeat that were the result of chain smoking (cigarettes!) and crack cocaine use. 

In 2008, Winehouse spent two weeks in rehab, apparently in conflict with her hit single "Rehab", and has since been covered nearly head-to-toe with nicotine patches.  "The doctors said it was important to gradually wean her off of nicotine," said Goodman.
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved 

Monday, November 24, 2008

Spanish Eco-Zombies Created by Solar Panels on Graves

Santa Coloma de Gramenet, a gritty working-class town outside Barcelona, has placed a sea of solar panels agop mausoleums at its cemetery, transforming a place of perpetual rest into one buzzing with marauding zombies.  

Flat, open and sun-drenched land is so scarce in Santa Coloma that the graveyard was just about the only viable spot to move ahead with its solar energy program.

Unfortunately, the power from the 462 panels produces enough power to reanimate five to seven zombies per day - equivalent to the energy consumed by 60 homes.

"We were intending to pay tribute to our ancestors, not reanimate them with clean energy," said Esteve Serret, director of Conste-Live Energy, a Spanish company the operates the Santa Coloma cemetery, develops renewable energy and is now offering zombie eradication services.

At first, parking solar panels on coffins was a tough sell, "Let's say we heard things like 'they're crazy. Who do they think they are? The dead will rise and try to eat our brains!' " said Antoni Fogue, a city council member.  "We thought it was all nonsense," Fogue added.

The eco-zombies seem to be drawn to organic brains leading the local government to recommend that locals eat only unhealthy foods until the zombies can be rounded up.  "They might be the walking undead, but that doesn't mean they can't hustle when you're trying to whack their heads off," said Serret.
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Bush Faults Obama for Not Taking Lead in Righting Economy

As the United States writhes in a collapsing economy, analysts and observers are wondering: Who's skippering the ship?

President Bush, who has been noticeably absent from the machinations aimed at righting the nation's financial course, said "The American people elected that Obama guy, like, almost a month ago and we still haven't seen any clear leadership from him."  When reporters reminded the President of Obama's statement that the United States has only one government and one president at a time, Bush replied "That's not what Dick Cheney told me."

Bush further indicated that the only solution to the current economic was to reduce taxes on the wealthy and to reduce regulation on businesses.  "That's what got us into this mess and that's what will get us out", said Bush.

Meanwhile, jobless numbers are skyrocketing the stock market is plummeting and the banking industry continues to decline, outpaced only by the fall of the U.S. auto industry.  Obama said recently that neglecting to provide relief to the auto industry would be disastrous, but he has done nothing to break a deadlocked Congress of which he is no longer a member.

Said President Bush, "Obama cannot escape this responsibility forever.  The American people deserve better leadership than this."
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Saturday, November 22, 2008

New Rule Would Discount Facts as Risk Factors

The Bush administration is finalizing changes to the Endangered Species Act that would ensure that federal agencies would not have to take facts into account when assessing risks to imperiled plants and animals.

The main purpose of the new regulation is to replace the provision of the Endangered Species Act that requires independent scientific review by either the US Fish and Wildlife Service or the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration with a dart board in Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne's office.  

The original version of the proposed regulation that utilized a flip of a coin to determine whether an endangered species lived or died was deemed to protect species too often.  Secretary Kempthorne said "No matter how hard I tried, that coin would come up heads almost half the time."  The new proposed regulation makes it much easier to discount the needs of threatened species because the portion of the dart board that would determined that a species might need protection can be made very small.  "Also, I can't throw a dart worth a crap" said Secretary Kempthorne.

Interior Department spokewoman Tina Kreisher said the administration is close to issuing a final rule but is still reviewing the language for potential changes such as what it means when Secretary Kempthorne misses the dart board or when the dart bounces off. "With a matter as sensitive as this, we want to be sure to capture all of the possible outcomes," said Kreisher.
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Friday, November 21, 2008

Obama Picks Clinton to be Secretary

Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to give up her Senate seat to become a secretary in the Obama White House, confidants said Friday.  

The accord between the two leading figures of the Democratic Party is the culmination of Clinton's decline from frontrunner to rival to endorser to assistant.  President-elect Barack Obama and Mrs. Clinton fought a polarizing nomination battle that threatened to divide the Democratic Party, but in recruiting her, Mr. Obama chose to turn a rival into an employee, and she concluded that, dammit, she was determined to get back into the White House somehow.

The role, though a supporting one, would make her one of the most influential players at the White House, requiring everyone who wants to meet with the President to negotiate their way past her desk.  It would also make former President Bill Clinton an ad hoc member of the Obama team, possibly in charge of catering.

Supporters of Mrs. Clinton were split on the announcement.  Some were offended that Obama would choose her for such a subordinate role, while others were confident that she would use her position to take control of the White House.  
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Cheney Pushes for More Cash Exploration

In a joint statement Vice President Dick Cheney and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson yesterday called for a substantial increase in domestic cash exploration and other financial resources, including in environmentally sensitive areas, saying that only increased production - and not new technology - will satisfy the nation's economic crisis.

"We are an economy that runs on cash.  Almost $40 billion of it a day.  That can and will change over time, but it will be a very long time," said Paulson, former head of U.S. financial company Goldman Sachs. "We'd be doing the whole country a favor if more of that cash were produced here at home."

Cheney chided lawmakers for blocking financial companies from extracting investments from environmentally sensitive areas such as the Silicon Valley National Investor Refuge.  SVNIR is the home of the last surviving flock of angel investors that were nearly hunted to extinction during the dot-com boom of 1995-2001.

Robert Reich, professor at U.C. Berkeley's Goldman School of Public Policy and advisor to President-elect Barack Obama, disputed Cheney and Paulson's prescription.  "The only people who would benefit from more cash investment are the financial companies," he said.  Reich said that financial companies already hold millions of mortgages to extract cash from virtually every state in the nation.  "They have an interest in not dramatically expanding financial supply because that will keep interest rates high."

Chamber of Commerce President Tom Donahue said the association is kicking off a $15 million-a-year plan to persuade lawmakers to support cash exploration in SVNIR and money laundering technologies.

Cheney acknowledged the economy is facing "headwinds," including "turmoil in the credit markets" and "a major correction in housing" in addition to rising loan rates.  "The current economic crisis demands that we consider all options for domestic cash exploration."
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Sunday, November 16, 2008

'Lost' Rednex Track Could Finally Be Heard

A "lost" Rednex track recorded in 1996 and performed just once in public could finally be released according to producer Janne Ericsson.

The track "Tre Apor i Fara", which translates as "Three Monkeys in Peril", is a 3-minute and 42-second experimental track recorded on the heels of Rednex hit "Cotton-Eyed Joe" and widely regarded as the only surviving blend of klezmer and Shibuya-kei that has long been considered too adventurous for mainstream audiences.

In an exclusive E24 interview, Ericsson said that he and fellow producers Orjan Oberg and Pat Reiniz had only just recently agreed that the world was ready to receive their masterpiece. Ericsson confirmed that he still owned the master tapes, adding that he had thought that the tapes were lost, but that he found them in his dresser drawer.

In the twelve years since its recording, "Tre Apor i Fara" has acquired near mythical status amoung Rednex fans who argue that the track provides evidence of the group's ambitions.

The work features distorted violins, discordant accordians and jazz-inspired electropop rhythms interspersed with Scarlet and Dagger's subversive lyrics about monkeys in dangerous circumstances. 
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Shipment of Counterfeit Charmin Intercepted

U.S. customs agents intercepted a shipment of fake Charmin toilet paper that were found hidden behind cartons of Nike shoes in a shipping container.

Specially-trained toilet paper sniffing dogs signaled that the otherwise unremarkable shipping container in the Port of Oakland contained the counterfeit booty.   

Agents said that the counterfeiting of basic consumer goods has been on the rise lately, but that most of the counterfeits are of very poor quality.  "It's clear that this toilet paper is not squeezably soft" said agent Garcia.  

Last week four area residents were indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of importing counterfeit Bounty paper towels when prosecutors demonstrated that the counterfeit goods "couldn't pick up shit."
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Critical Sperm Shortage in Britain

Authorities today reported a critical shortage of sperm supplies in fertility clinics throughout Britain.  Nearly two thirds of the seventy-four clinics responding to the surveys indicated that they either had no sperm or insufficient supplies to meet demand.  

Virtually all clinics have reduced their donor standards, with wankers and the barmy now eligible to donate.  Specialists at some fertility clinics are so desperate to secure supplies of sperm that they have launched campaigns and promotions to attract new donors.  

One successful promotion involved each donor being spanked by a woman wearing a French maid costume.  Another clinic which suggested that their clients actually have sex with men has been permanently shut down by NHS.

Sexually-repressed nations around the globe have risen to the challenge by offering Britain supplies of excess sperm.  Officials say that they are confident that donations from the US state of Utah are more than sufficient to get through the near-term crisis.  However, clients at many clinics have expressed understandable reluctance to receive such sperm.  Said one client "I wouldn't mind if my child was a wanker or a little barmy, but I wouldn't want them to be conservative."
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Cheney Experiences Regular Heartbeat

Vice President Dick Cheney was sent to George Washington University Hospital when he began to exhibit symptoms of what doctors referring to as cardiac rhythmia. Doctors were able to restore Cheney's heartbeat to its usual atrial fibrillation by administering a double order of Crispy Chipotle Chicken Crispers. Doctors described the procedure as "Disgusting, but not particularly dangerous to a man of Dick Cheney's health."

Cardiac rhythmia, also known as sinus rhythm, is a medical condition common to nearly 300 million Americans. "Most people can function normally for their entire lives with this condition." said Dr. Hitesh Gupta.  However, Dr. Gupta noted that Cheney's reaction to such a common rhythmia was "Quite possibly unique in medical history."

Cardiac rhythmia occurs when the heart's upper chambers, called the atria, operate in synch with the lower chambers' pumping action.  The condition is not normally life-threatening and has been associated with episodes of empathy and kindness.  Dr. Gupta noted that, if left untreated, cardiac rhythmia could impair the Vice President's ability to function effectively.

White House doctors where alerted when Cheney, who had been suffering from a cold, was heard to mutter something about wanting to help "the less fortunate."  White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said "He may have other episodes, but now that we know the warning signs, we can get medical treatment before he causes any significant policy changes."

Cheney has a history of heart problems forcing doctors to attempt to bypass it four times previously.  Upon leaving the hospital, Cheney was heard exclaiming "I have you now!" and "There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you.", so doctors were confident that another bypass attempt would not be necessary.
(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

WTF?

Q1: WTF?
A1: The Picayune Dispatch is the only news you'll ever need.  Those other "news" sources are too wrapped up in facts and stuff.  Don't even bother with them.  If you think some real news has slipped past our crack team of writers and editors, you're probably wrong.  But you're welcome to ask us about it anyhow.  We can make up a story on almost any subject.

Q2: Dude, why?
A2: The truth needs to come out, even if only by chance.

Q3: Is this for real?
A3: You are really reading this aren't you?  That's good enough for us.

Q4: How often will The Picayune Dispatch be published?
A4: Publish? That's so old school.  Our crack team of writers and editors will be constantly seeking out real news stories that matter and they'll be posted here, like, whenever.

Q5: Do you used real names?
A5: Yes. And real quotes, too. Although, quotes are often taken out of context or modified to fit the story. The Picayune Dispatch is purely fictional, any similarity between stories found here and real events, persons, or places is only to enhance the parody value.

(c) Copyright 2008 All rights reserved