Cheney Experiences Regular Heartbeat

Vice President Dick Cheney was sent to George Washington University Hospital when he began to exhibit symptoms of what doctors referring to as cardiac rhythmia. Doctors were able to restore Cheney's heartbeat to its usual atrial fibrillation by administering a double order of Crispy Chipotle Chicken Crispers. Doctors described the procedure as "Disgusting, but not particularly dangerous to a man of Dick Cheney's health."

Cardiac rhythmia, also known as sinus rhythm, is a medical condition common to nearly 300 million Americans. "Most people can function normally for their entire lives with this condition." said Dr. Hitesh Gupta.  However, Dr. Gupta noted that Cheney's reaction to such a common rhythmia was "Quite possibly unique in medical history."

Cardiac rhythmia occurs when the heart's upper chambers, called the atria, operate in synch with the lower chambers' pumping action.  The condition is not normally life-threatening and has been associated with episodes of empathy and kindness.  Dr. Gupta noted that, if left untreated, cardiac rhythmia could impair the Vice President's ability to function effectively.

White House doctors where alerted when Cheney, who had been suffering from a cold, was heard to mutter something about wanting to help "the less fortunate."  White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said "He may have other episodes, but now that we know the warning signs, we can get medical treatment before he causes any significant policy changes."

Cheney has a history of heart problems forcing doctors to attempt to bypass it four times previously.  Upon leaving the hospital, Cheney was heard exclaiming "I have you now!" and "There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you.", so doctors were confident that another bypass attempt would not be necessary.

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